Full Circle



It's been nine and a half months since I began a new chapter in my life.  I'd be lying if I said it's been easy and I've been able to breeze right through it.  It just ain't so.  It's been a lot of hard work and frustration in the process.  What I can so though is this: Even though I'm not where I want to be yet, it's so worth it!  I am making my way full circle on this journey and happily learning I'm not as broken as I thought I was.

 

 

Cracking 4K

It’s not some weird alternative to a Color Run or your average 5K! I cracked 4000 views on my blog night before last! The word excited immediately comes to mind, but doesn’t quite seem to capture it. I’m literally on a strange high right now. Maybe it’s all of the exercise the last few days, I don’t know, but I like it! I feel like I did back in January when I started this whole gig with DDPYOGA! In case you were wondering: It’s awesome to feel this way!

As I reflect back on the last eight and a half months, I feel truly blessed, humbled, and so lucky. I have learned a lot about myself over the course of the last several months, but I think I’m really just now starting to grasp what I’m truly capable of once I set my mind to something. I don’t think I’ve ever truly understood how strong I could be until now.

My hiatus the last couple of months was brought on not of my own devices. I wouldn’t have chosen it, but, in a way, I am glad it happened. Such happiness might seem unwarranted given my meager state the last few months. However, there is logic behind the seeming madness of being happy about what I’ve recently been tangling with. It follows if you will follow with me.

When I have had significant flares in the past with my Psoriatic Arthritis, it has sometimes taken me six months or better to recuperate. ANY effort I had put into getting healthy prior would be all but lost by the time I would come out of the “flare fog“ as I like to call it. I would give up every forward step I had taken in exchange for three giant leaps backward into the bowels of unhealthy eating and the Lazy Boy of sedentary life. And I would stagnate there until I just rolled further and further back downhill to the point I no longer reaped a single benefit from all the hard work I had put in previously. It was a ridiculously vicious cycle, almost heinous really. More than anything though, it was a little sad. Every time it would happen, I was further convinced I would always fail at getting healthier and feeling better. That, my friends, is a cold, stark place to be.

To go through the flare I went through this summer with my Psoriatic Arthritis and to still be on steroids after a year and to still be working full-time and to still be a mother to five wonderful but rambunctious children AND still be moving forward: That for me is a miracle. That for me is the place I want to be. That. That. That. Moving forward. Not giving up. Not losing all progress because of a short term set back. That didn’t use to be me.

Cracking 4,000 on my blog has been pretty awesome for another reason. Aside from the 928 views that belong to my husband (haha), there are a lot of people looking at this blog. Many of them I know. Many of them I don’t. I have had enough people comment on my Facebook, comment on teamddpyoga.com, comment directly on the blog, send me private messages, call me, etc. to know I am doing something else entirely as important as getting myself healthy. I’m helping other people get healthy. I’m no “health guru”. I’m no DDP. I’m no Stacey Morris. I’m no Arthur Boorman or Terri Lange or any number of other awesome and inspiring people. I’m just me. But I’m still helping people. And as good as getting healthier feels, helping others is one of my weaknesses in life. Some might even say I’m a sucker to a fault at times although I would never call out my husband, my mother, my mini Italian New Yorker friend or my Dicky Barrett loving STL connection like that publicly or anyone else for that matter... ;-)

I’m glad I’ve caught my second wind. I hope you are, too. It’s going to be a wild and an awesome ride!

If You Can't Say Anything Nice

Despite evidence to the contrary which may suggest otherwise, I haven’t quit. I haven’t given up. I’ve just been doing what I always do when I find myself in a negative mental state, and that’s been to withdraw. My momma always told me that if I couldn’t say anything nice, well, just don’t say anything at all. I haven’t been finding myself particularly “inspirational” here lately, so, I retreated inside myself to try and dig through my “delicate” psyche and figure out just what my problem is. So, want to know what I have learned?

It boils down to two simple words really and my epiphany isn’t exactly what I would call jaw dropping. It’s pretty basic really:  I’m human.

I know. Crazy, right? You were expecting some real wisdom weren’t you? Believe it or not, that is real wisdom. I talk all the time about the importance of understanding yourself, giving yourself a break when you fall, etc. Those things are always easier said than done though. I recognize that and I have for a while. Trying to apply such wisdom directly to myself on a consistent basis, well, not so much.

So what I have tripped and fallen a thousand times this year!!! What I need to focus on for the moment is this: Where am I today compared to one year ago today? Have I moved forward? ABSOLUTELY! Have I made positive changes? ABSOLUTELY! Am I healthier? ABSOLUTELY! So, why do I continue to beat myself up because my DDPYOGA journey hasn’t been stellar thus far? Good question!!!

I think primarily because it’s so much easier to focus on the negative about yourself. It’s hard when you set a goal and you only get half way there (in the time you anticipated) to think about the fact you may not be where you want to be, but you're at least closer than you were yesterday or the day before or a year ago. So, I’m going to take a moment and focus on some of the positives that have occurred over the last several months despite the fact I am not as far along as I had hoped I would be at this point.

The first focus is working out. Did I work out last year? Perhaps, but it was probably by accident and without design. I wish I had been keeping up since day one with how many DDPYOGA workouts I have done and other exercise this year. I know that in the first nine months of this year I have exercised at least four times as much as I did last year in it’s entirety! No, I haven’t worked out daily this year. In fact, there have been some weeks I haven’t worked out at all. BUT… I am still closer to my goal in that respect than I was a year ago. Right? Now all I have to do is work on better consistency. Boom.

The second focus is eating. Did I eat healthy last year? No, not really. Fried foods, lots of sugar, and oh dear Lord the gluten. Donuts. Cake. Whatever I wanted to eat. That’s what I ate. Have I had those things this year? Yes. However, I can guarantee you that I have had less gluten, sugar, and fried foods this entire year than I would have consumed in a month last year! I know that for a fact! So, am I eating perfectly? No. However, I have dropped the gluten. I eat VERY LITTLE dairy. I don’t eat any fried foods. The vast majority of my sugar intake is from natural sources like fruit versus junk pumped full of sucrose or high fructose corn syrup. My breakfast today was two homemade gluten free waffles with light syrup. Lunch? A smoothie with the following: 2 cups fresh spinach; 1 cup unsweetened almond milk; ½ cup chocolate almond milk; 1 cup frozen strawberries; 1 cup cucumber; 1 scoop protein powder; and 1 tablespoon flax seed. I sipped on that for about an hour. It was delicious, nutritious and filling. I never would have taken the time or even thought about making that for lunch last year.

A yummy grill cooked ribeye and a salad sans dairy (except goat cheese) and no gluten (no fun stuff like croutons) was dinner tonight. However, my salad with my feta cheese, mushrooms, cucumber, romaine, tomato, and gluten free sweet Vidalia dressing was the bomb! And snacks? I had a few of those. I had a protein bar and some carrots. That’s promising. Boom.

The third focus is weight. I have lost over 40 pounds this year. Granted, I am only down about 32 pounds because I gained back 15 pounds and then lost seven back. However, I don’t think I lost any weight last year with this possible exception: I’m pretty sure I just yo-yoed the same few pounds up and down and up and down without any real effort to lose anything. I rather stayed on a steady upward incline. I was too tired, frustrated and defeated to even bother. Despite the issues I’ve had reclaiming my mojo the last few months, I have managed, for the most part, to keep ¾ of the weight I lost the first four months of this year: OFF. I’m also finally crawling back on board. It’s been a snail’s pace, but I’m finally here. I’m going to be hitting 40 again in no time flat and adding some more to that lovely number. Boom.

The fourth focus is general mental well-being. The jury might still be out on this one. HAHAHA Despite this horrific flare I still had over the summer, there is one thing I know for certain: I have felt some frustration and defeat this year, but, and this is a really BIG but, I haven’t thrown in the towel. I haven’t quit. I haven’t given it up. Although I did gain some weight back, I was still eating gluten free and healthy overall. I have slacked on my exercising due to fatigue, but I am going to motor on through it. I have to. Last year it wasn’t even an issue of trying to overcome my fatigue or get past a block: I just didn’t even start. So, at least I have started this year. At least I haven’t given up. At least I am still learning every day. And I’m doing nothing but picking up steam for this stalled train right now. I’m getting ready to bust on down this track. Boom.

So, despite the drawbacks entrenched in my year thus far and despite my repeated falls off the wagon, I’m still headlong into my DDPYOGA journey. I’m picking myself up for the umpteenth time and brushing myself off. I’m also thinking about all of the wonderful things I’ve managed this year rather than just focusing on what I didn’t get done that I wanted to. A few things I have met goal wise this year: I DID lose 40 pounds; I was able to stop taking one of my blood pressure medications; I bought a new swim suit for the first time in over five years and was fairly pleased with how it looked on; I purchased clothes outside of the Women’s/Plus Size section that actually fit; I gave up gluten; I have successfully convinced my children that things like grapes, apples, and carrots are awesome snacks; I’ve worked out with my kids; I’ve learned how to eat healthier even on the hectic days; I have been called "skinny"; I have had a flare, but not one that has been able to completely take me out; and on and on.

To try and calculate what I have learned so far this year simply by stepping on a scale, well, that just doesn’t work. Obviously it’s the easiest of calculations and that calculation currently equals 32 pounds. There’s so much more though. I’d say for the better part of my life I’ve generally been a “pick yourself up by the boot straps” kind of gal, and I’ve always managed to do it throughout my life as needed and when necessary. What I haven’t been able to do a lot though is get on with letting myself off the hook and moving on when the picking up that needed to be done was a result of my own stupid mistakes or slacking or just plain giving up.  The knowledge I have gleaned from the DDPYOGA program and my new all time favorite book, Wheat Belly, well, that's really immeasurable in terms of what it's doing for my life and health.

From here on out, I’m going to work a little harder on more walking the walk than just talking the talk when it comes to giving myself a hard time about everything I haven’t done. I’m also going to try and focus more on thinking about all of the goals I have managed to reach rather than just the ones that I didn’t. I’m going to try and look at the whole picture rather than just beating myself up about that one part of it that doesn’t look so hot. I’m also going to work my tail end off though to meet my goals.

Goal number right now: Be down a minimum of 50 pounds by January 4, 2014. That will be my one year mark, and that gives me three and a half months to lose 18 pounds. I lost 37 pounds earlier this year in four months. The holidays might not be as tasty, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be filled with less regret come the New Year! It also doesn’t hurt I have been so challenged by someone who has been an integral part of this journey. I’m not going to fail at this; I’m not going to fail him either.

Ready to Live Life at 90

Well, I lied. The old Dell was revived! I assumed the worst and figured she was just gone, but turns out it was just a bad power cord. So, for the low price of $34, my computer is back up and running! Yippee! You know what that means? That’s right! Fresh installments on the blog served up just for you! I get it. It’s what you’ve been dreaming of the last several days. Well, here you go…

I love listening to DDPRadio on Wednesday nights. It’s always informative, refreshing, and motivational. As I listened last week and again tonight, I think it really began to hit me why this whole thing has made such an impact on me. By this whole thing, I mean the “DDPYOGA Lifestyle Change”! I’ve been a social worker for over a decade. I’ve been a birth mother, stepmother, “foster mother”, and now an adoptive mother. The roles of social worker and mother are wholly about giving to others; helping them grow; instilling the desire to improve one’s life; and teaching others that anything they can dream is possible with the right amount of inspiration and perspiration. More importantly probably than any of that though, and I really pull this from my years as a juvenile probation officer and motherhood: reminding people they are human and that we are all fallible. We will fall and we will make mistakes. That’s a given in life. The trick is teaching yourself how to not hold it against yourself, but rather to just learn from it and pick up and go on. That’s always been the tricky part for me. When I screw up, I have a tendency to really let that screw up linger in my mind, and drag me down. I’ve been trying more and more since I began this in January to do that less and less.

I work a full-time job. I am a wife and a mother to five children. I am also a patient diagnosed with a very active autoimmune disorder. While I chose three of those four roles in my life, I certainly didn’t choose the last. The first three roles: social worker, wife and mother can be stressful. However, those roles bring me so much joy on so many levels, it all has a tendency to work itself out. However, I didn’t choose to have an auto-immune disorder. I didn’t decide one day that being really sick, in pain and tired all of the time would be an awesome way to live life. It’s not as though I chose to do drugs or become an alcoholic. I was just unfortunate enough to be born with a genetic pre-disposition to this disorder and a little over a decade ago, it decided to rear it’s ugly head. So, there it is.

The way I see it is that I have two choices. The first is to wallow in self-pity, be a Debbie Downer, and stay generally miserable. The second choice is to take the bull by the horns and lead my life where I want it to go instead. I think I’m choosing the latter and I feel there’s something important along the way stemming from all of this. When I think about living my life at 90% as Dallas would say, I realize it’s definitely my choice to react in a positive way to the things that have happened to me. I realize I can let one of the four roles in my life define my every moment or I can choose to have the other three roles I love define my life. It’s all about life being 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. So, I choose the latter, and I’m going to take as many people with me as I can while I’m on the way!