Friday, March 27, 2015

I'm A Quitter And That Makes Me Proud

It took a lot not to cry today when I realized it was over. The day began rough enough and as the day passed I could feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I literally got up three times to go to the bathroom and each trip progressively got slower. By the third trip, I sat back down in the recliner, closed my eyes, laid my head back and felt the world begin to spin. It was at that point I knew the fast was over. I knew if I didn't call the fast today, the doctor would call it tomorrow. I asked myself what I would be proving furthering my misery into tomorrow because I knew misery was all that would lie ahead. My body was done. It was telling me it was done. But today was only day 26 and I was going to fast for 30 days. How could I be done? I hadn't met my goal yet. Why couldn't my body just do what I wanted it to do?

As I called the doctor to relay I wanted some broth, I held back tears. I was really that upset I wouldn't be meeting my goal. Then an abrupt kick; a sudden thought came over me. Call it an epiphany, call it what you will, but it was exactly what I needed to enter my rattled brain at that precise moment. Hadn't pushing my body beyond it's limits contributed to the reasons I wound up here in the first place? Running it out until it just couldn't run anymore. Not taking care of it's needs no matter how loudly it was crying out for help. That's when I told myself no. No you will not be disappointed in yourself. No you will not look on this as a failure. No you will not see this as a goal not met.

Ending my fast today was a victory. Today I chose to listen to my body rather than my ego. Today I recognized my body was talking to me and I listened to it. Today I chose good sense over pride and pushing myself beyond healthy limits. Today I realized probably the most important thing I will need to take with after this whole experience and that is to simply be quiet and listen. Today was initially going to be a footnote of defeat for me. I felt it. I've quickly realized that's not what it is at all. I just fasted for 26 days to heal my body. Then my body said it's time for the next phase. I said okay. That's a victory.

Goals are important. Reaching goals is great. Realizing some goals may be more than your body can handle, well, that is important. Learning to recognize the difference between giving up and knowing your limits is as important as anything else you can do for your body. I didn't give up today. I listened. I'm going to work on doing that more in the future. I think that's going to work out for me.

Victories so far (recap for the last 35 days):
- I've come off 11 medications and supplements.
- My blood pressure is normal (even without medicine).
- I've quit smoking.
- I've quit drinking Diet Dr. Pepper/caffiene.
- I've lost 33 pounds.
- I've water fasted 26 days.
- I've juice fasted 3 days.
- I've eaten completely clean for five days.
- I've made the decision to listen to my body when it speaks to me.

Yeah. I'm a quitter. And I'm proud.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I'm Ya Huckleberry or Your Guinea Pig or Whatever You Need

It's not as though I'm surprised by the fact that my energy levels while fasting are low overall. I guess I just made some leaps on how much I would be able to accomplish while fasting. I presumed temporarily exchanging my hectic life of parenting my five children with my husband and working full time for a brief life of leisurely fasting might still leave me with more energy. Wrong. I think I underestimated the amount of healing that would be going on inside my body and just how much that healing would require as I slink through each day.

Still, here I am. I am drawing to the close of day 24 of my water fast. In some ways I find myself surprised. In other ways, I'm a bit like: "Dude. What did you expect? You've motored through worse. You're a beast." or some such nonsnese to keep myself pumped up. Surprised or not, I am pleased, because this little experiment of mine seems to be going well thus far. A recap/update on where I am today:

Healing in Progress Update:
Days Fasting: 24 (water) / 3 (juice)
Days at TrueNorth: 32
AM BP: 79/51
PM BP: 107/73
Current Medications: ZERO
Weight: -32.4lbs

General Wellbeing: I am doing well in all respects with the expected exception of being very tired. I am four weeks and five days post my last Remicade infusion and I am almost 100% pain free! I am still having some very minor low back and hip pain. Nothing abnormal for fasting though. Just gotta motor on through these next six days!

Today's post is brief. My basic goal today is simple: drop an update and let my wide fan base know where I'm sitting just over a month into this process. That whole wide fan base bit was a little joke. However, what isn't a joke is that I feel truly called to share in this experiment. I've felt compelled since I began this journey just over two years to share my struggles and my ups and downs in the hope that I might be able to be some source of something positive for somewhere out there. I know what I've been through. I know the hell it has been. I know the days of really, seriously thinking your family would just be better off without you. The pain of wondering if the next step would even be worth it. The feel of being a burden and nothing more.

When I began doing DDPYOGA and cleaning up my diet, my life began to change in so many positive ways. And while I simply can NOT wait to be back on my DDPYOGA, I learned through DDP's program to keep going. I learned that was the start for me. I learned that I might have to keep fighting even after making positive changes. I learned that I might have to take things a step farther and keep searching for those additions to tweak the program to work even better for me as a person with auto immune issues. I finally learned to live life at 90% just like Dallas had been saying all along. I've learned to react and I've learned to adapt.

All of this knowledge and searching brought me to where I am at the moment: into this little experiment at TrueNorth Health Center and right into a water fast. It brought me to something I never even would have considered doing six months ago. And so, I stand. I am your guinea pig. I'm here for you to learn from me. I'm here for you to see that there are alternatives, there are possibilities, there are other ideas and hopes out there. And they just might work for you as they appear to be working for me. So, don't be afraid to at least follow my story. Don't be afraid to make changes. Don't be afraid to live outside of your comfort zone. We can beat this thing together and I'm willing to take some bumps for you along the way!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

"A-HA Moments" Not From 80's Pop Music

As I was scrolling through my e-mails earlier today, I saw an announcement about the DDPRadio show topic for the night. (For those of you unfamiliar, I practice DDPYOGA and the DDPYOGA program was the catalyst for the beginning of my real journey toward good health. Hence the subtitle of my blog, "A New Me Via DDP.") The topic for tonight's show was to center around your "A-HA Moments": you know those metal pans to the head moments where your next step becomes so clear and you figure out the route for the next leg of your journey. Well, my A-HA moment for me was simple in the beginning. I saw that video millions of us have seen about a Veteran named Arthur who was crippled and began following DDP's program and saw miraculous changes. That moment, those few minutes, were everything I needed in order to understand what I needed to do to own my health again. And boy howdy did I ever run with it!

I ran hard and I ran fast! I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013. I did a lot of cleaning up in my diet and I worked out like a maniac. I saw immediate results and they were good ones. And I was happy. By my fourth month in, I was down 40 pounds; off one of my blood pressure medications; and my overall PsA symptoms seemingly were improving. Just a few months later, however, the weight loss had stalled and I hit a brick wall. I was so angry, frustrated, tired and bewildered. I was working so hard to make so many positive changes and there I was. Face meet wall.

It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened. I had hit those brick walls before. There was one significant difference this time; with this particular wall. Rather than say screw it and throw in the towel, I didn't. Well, not completely. I did gain back a lot of the wait I had lost. However, I didn't gain back all forty pounds and some additional. While I began making some poor food choices, they weren't all bad and I was still making better choices than I had been making before. For the first time, I hit a brick wall, caved a bit, but ultimately kept searching for a way through it or around it or over it. Despite all of the obvious setbacks, I was still trying to inch my way forward literally one minute and one inch at a time.

It took about a year of this brick wall struggle to realize I was really going to have to figure out what the extra key was for me. I firmly felt the AI diseases were the reason I had to find that extra key. I had to have an addition to my DDP Program to get me well. DDPYoga was obviously a keeper as was the clean eating. What else was there? Hmm. Well, there were my many illnesses and the many treatments I had to receive to survive the illnesses. I was not upset I was taking medication to remain functional, but I was upset that there appeared to be no end to the medications and no being funcational without them. I began following Brenda Nair's fight against breast cancer in 2014. Brenda made the very personal decision to fight her cancer in as natural a way as possible. She amazingly and bravely decided to heal herself with as few drugs as possible and focused rather on detoxing her body and healing through food choices, etc. Why my A-HA moment didn't immediately hit me over the head with that proverbial frying pan is beyond me. Maybe because I wasn't ready to full accept that might be what I needed to do for myself. Who knows!

But I did begin researching natural options to assist in my health recovery in 2014. I wanted to find out if there were thoughts or ideas out there surrounding the healing/treating/curing Auto Immune Disease in natural ways. And so I searched. And that's how I found my way to TrueNorth. And that's why I'm at TrueNorth now. The point in all of this rambling is this: Were it not for DDPYOGA, DDP, Brenda Nair, Arthur Boorman, Stacey Morris, etc., and that FIRST A-HA moment, I'd still be back there struggling somewhere at the starting line. And while it's taken me a little over two years to crawl to this point, there's some pretty awesome things going on in my life at this point.

- I'd weigh at least 42.2 pounds more than I did when I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013.
- I'd still be taking 11 different medications.
- I'd still be addicted to nicotine and caffiene.
- I'd still have blood pressure approaching critical points even with medication.
- I'd still be lost and struggling to find a way to get my health back.

We all have choices on what we can do to get our health back. I've chosen DDPYOGA and TrueNorth Health Center. These are my two big tools to get me where I need to go. You may like one, both or neither and that's okay. I'm not here to tell you what to choose. I'm here to tell you my experinces and my journey and let you know what has helped me. If these things can help you, that's great. If it needs to be something else, that's fine, too. The point is: you need to find your A-HA moment andmake it mean something. Every day you spend in misery is a day you won't get back. It's just lost. But there's no point dwelling on what's gone. Focus on what is yet to come.

"I continue to be amazed by our bodies' ability for self repair... Our bodies want to be healthy, if we would just let them. That's what these new research articles are showing: Even after years of beating yourself up with horrible diet, your body can reverse the damage, open backup the arteries - even reverse the progression of some cancers. Amazing! So it's never too late to start exercising, never too late to stop smoking and never too late to start eating healthier." ~ Michael Greger

A-HA. See. It's not too late.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

You've Lost that Guilty Feeling



While fasting can leave you pretty exhausted, I try to find energy to do as many lectures as I can while I'm here. I know there is so much I need to learn in order to be able to carry on the lifestyle I need to carry on once I return home. The numerous lectures here at TrueNorth were definitely one of the aspects that attracted me to this facility. Not only am I fasting for my physical health while I am here, but I'm given multiple opportunities to address not only physical health needs, but mental health needs and environmental barriers that can cause difficulties when trying to transition to a new healthful lifestyle.

I try to ensure attendance at Dr. Lisle's lectures on Saturdays. You never know what direction the lectures will go, what topics there will be or what information you will be able to glean and apply to your life. Today's hot topic was: guilt. We've all felt it at some point and time. Some of us more than others. Dr. Lisle shared in his lecture that all feelings are a signal. We are genetically engineered for certain responses both physically and emotionally. Emotional signals are obviously more complicated than physical symptoms. If you step on a rock and it hurts your foot: you move your foot. Pretty simple physiological repsonse to pain. If you have a negative feeling, well, determining what your response should be can sometimes be a bit tricky.

People consistently walk a fine line between doing what's best for themselves and doing what's best for the "village"/humanity. Humans have an underlying genetic sense of fairness. When that sense is disrupted and people feel they are being treated unfairly, their genetic response is anger. On the other hand, if people perceive they've been unfair to others, they'll begin to feel guilt. Interestingly enough, each of us has an "internal" audience that gives us feedback. This feedback is designed to be an estimation of how an "external" audience will perceive us. This internal audience works to prepare us for a "real" audience. Each person has an esteem meter that is sensitive to feedback from both internal and external audiences. A person's internal audience can create guilt before an external audience even has a chance to pass a judgement.

Push yourself away from the table!!!
Exercise!!!
Just eat less!!!
Quit being so lazy!!!
How hard is it to give up soda/cigarettes/bad food?!!!

The problem with a person's internal audience is that audience is no more knowledgable or smarter than the external audience that is not made up of doctors or psychologists, etc. The internal audience becomes frustrated, disgusted and angry. Then the internal audience says: Bring on the guilt! And we do. We bring it on in spades. We beat ourselves up for being bad mothers, bad wives, bad employees, bad friends, etc. And then we guilty ourselves into believing we are bad at all of those things because we just don't have the willpower to do any better. We have no concept of "The Pleasure Trap" and no understanding of the fact that our bodies were never designed to deal with it. The Pleasure Trap is unfair. We need to fire our internal audiences. We need to understand the magnitude of the challenge before us and educate our internal audiences. Only then are we going to be able to free ourselves from the guilt that has unfairly been hung our necks like a thick heavy yoke.

More on The Pleasure Trap soon.

Today's Update:
Healing in progress!
DAYS FASTING: 3 (juice)/13 (water)
CURRENT MEDS: 0
AM BP: 102/69
PM BP: 116/74
WEIGHT: - 24.3 LBS
GENERAL WELLNESS: Aside from some pesky low back pain, muscle weakness and insomnia (all of which are normal during fasting), I'm feeling pretty good. I went to lecture this morning and I'm planning on attending a special event here tonight.

A little pic from today! Letting go of some guilt!



Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Up all night sleep all day

This will be a brief update tonight. I'm very tired as to be expected, but I am still  hanging in there. I've been dealing with some rather grueling nausea this week and rather extreme low back pain last night that resulted in contacting the on-call doctor at five this morning. A check of my vitals, a quick physical, and a urine screen dwtermined it was not my kidney, but lower back pain likely caused by a "healing crisis." If the pain continues, they may have tontake me off water and put me on juice or broth. I am praying and willing it away As I don't want to break the fast.

Trying to ensure I keep my water intake up as high as it needs to be. That can sometimes be difficult when you're very tired and/or sleeping a lot! Trying also to get in a little bit of movement each day as well. 



SYNOPSIS THUS FAR:

I arrived at True North around 10:30pm Saturday, February 21st. I had my first weigh in and blood pressure measurement the following morning. My first BP measurement was 196/102. I ate their awesomely clean food for five days from Sunday 2/22 until Thursday 2/26. Then I went on juice from Friday 2/27 until Sunday 3/1. I began strictly water on Monday 3/2. Today was day nine  of just water. Stats as of this morning:

Days Fasting: 12 (3 juice/9 water)

Morning BP: 124/84
Afternoon BP: 100/70
Pounds lost: 21.4

That's all I got for now. Have a good evening and thanks for checking in!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Power to the Peop... to the Me!!!

One aspect I really enjoy about True North thus far are the lectures. Although I've only attended a few, the few I've been to have been quite remarkable. The lectures are led by either doctors here at True North or other health/wellness experts in varying fields. I looked forward with much anticipation hearing Dr. Goldhammer's 2:00 o'clock spot this afternoon and despite a lack of food for three and a half days, eagerly galloped to the dining hall to hear what all he had to say along with my sweet roomie Andrea. She wanted to see what his lectures were all "aboot" as well. Giggle, giggle, snort.

Some of the lectures are set up strictly as Q&A sessions and some have specific covered topics followed by Q&A. Today's lecture was the latter format. The class today began with a slide show presentation. The first slide was simple enough. It posed the question of "Why do we eat?" I knew the short answer was energy, but it breaks down into several different categories. We eat to fulfill eight particular needs: calories (preferably complex carbohydrates); water; protein (for the fulfillment of eight essential amino acids adult bodies do not produce); fat (primarily Omega 3 essential fatty acids); vitamins; minerals; and fiber and phytochemicals both of which can only be derived from plant food. 

I was very much on the fence when I arrived here about the idea of going full-on vegan. I mean dropping most meats would be pretty easy for me although I love a good chicken breast and some bacon. However, to drop ALL animal products and by-products means a life with no eggs and no dairy. I had some idea as to why dropping meat would be a good idea, but didn't have a full understanding of issues with meat at least in the respect of how we consume them here in the US. There are eight overall issues with animal food products in the US (and thereby also animal food by-products) and those are: bacterial contamination (which sometimes gets cooked out and sometimes does not); viral contamination; prions (organisms that can't be killed with cooking); heavy metal concentrations; growth stimulants/hormones; antibiotics; pesticides; and biological concentration. I've seen certain documentaries that made me not really want to think about where the meat I was eating was coming from, but they served more as a gross out factor versus legitimate/sound reasoning to not eat meat. For me, personally, meat and animal by-products are something I'm going to have to heavily considere as factors in my diet when I return home. I continue to lean toward vegan ideals for someone with my health background. I know a lot of folks are pretty attached to their meat and dairy. I'm trying to imagine a life without cheese and it seems a little sad to me. However, a life without cheese and without Remicade infusions every five weeks seems like a better life to me. So, there's that...

I wondered myself, as you might be, what the heck can I eat then because the other big no-no is: processed foods - of any kind. That would be multi-ingredient foods that contain oils; flours; added salts; refined sugars; and again, dairy (because dairy is a completely processed food for the most part). So, well, that's everything in my pantry and fridge at present knocked out. Well, almost everything anyway. Foods to include in my new diet: fresh fruits; raw and cooked vegetables; raw nuts; raw seeds; and complex carbs such as potatoes, yams, rice, quinoa, beans, lentils, peas, etc. May not seem like much, but when you consider the number of fruits, vegetables, beans and gluten free grains available, you can actually get more creative than you might initially consider. I know I plan to get creative!

After discussion about why we eat; foods to avoid; and foods to consume, Dr. Goldhammer opened up the floor to general questions. This is when the magic really happened for me. I had my question poised and ready. I was really intrigued to know what Dr. Goldhammer would have to say. My question went something like this: "I have health issues. I am specifically here because of three auto-immune disorder diagnoses. I am here to get better. I am here to get my health under control. I understand everything you're saying to me and what I need to do. Here's my concern: I have five children and a husband. My father recently began staying with us. I'm from the South where all things fried are considered divinity. I can't snap my fingers and make my family fall in line. They'll not have had the experience of fasting and retraining their pallets as I have had. I do I overcome these issues?"

I thought it was a good question and apparently the rest of the group thought it was a good question. I heard the whispered words: five kids, her father moved in, is she crazy, she must be a saint. What I heard most was, "Right!!!" The other members of the audience could get that fundamental struggle. And they wanted an answer, too. Dr. Goldhammer delivered in grand style.

Fact one: Tobacco is the only factor that beats obesity in cause of death for Americans. 
Fact two: No loved one would, with clear conscience, give a drunk a drink.
Fact three: Foods on the avoid list, for me, are as deadly as tobacco for anyone and as bad for me as a beer is for an alcoholic.

Wow. Let that sink in for a minute. Read that last paragraph again. Did you let that sink in for a moment? Because that was the quickest lesson in empowerment that I've ever been given. Dr. Goldhammer literally gave me permission to look at my family and say: That is poison to my body. If I eat it, it will kill me. You don't have to deny yourself that food if you really desire it, but I can not eat it; I will not buy it; and I will not prepare it. Wow! I can do that! I can genuinely say to my husband, my children and my father that I simply can not partake in the consumption of those foods. If they wish to do so, they can. But I can not. Because I want to live longer and healthier. 

Dr. Goldhammer recommended several different books today. The book I would most like to read and will read as soon as possible is "The Pleasure Trap" by Douglas Lisle and Alan Goldhammer. Ah, the modern day addiction to food and the havoc it has reigned down on an unsuspecting population is far greater than any other scourge on earth. I've been leaning toward that conclusion for quite some time. My time here has only solidified the thought. What could be more pleasureful in life than to have total control of your wants and desires? To not let your primal whim that screams for string cheese and cupcakes to win. To feel good. To not hurt. I think I could give up some sugary junk to feel that kind of power.

Oh, today's stats:
BP check: 142/87
Pounds Lost: 11.2
Days Fasting: 4 (juice 3/ water 1)

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Taking Inventory

As the day draws to a close, I'm taking inventory of the week (plus one day) since I've been at Truth North Health Center. I would have done this yesterday, but today is the final day of my three day juice fast and the true test starts tomorrow when I begin my 30 day water fast! So, I wanted to give a general update on how I'm feeling after five days of super clean eating and three days of juice and how I'm feeling about the upcoming water fast.

Truth: I feel mostly fantastic! I have my moments where I miss my family and friends. I had a full-blown melt down last night as I said good bye to my daughter and husband and after having talked to my other three younger children as well. They'd been telling me all about their day: one had lost a tooth; one had an archery tournament; and yet another showed me an art project that had been completed. I began thinking of all that I am missing while I am not physically there with them and it became too much for a moment. My mental health otherwise, outside of the expected homesickness, has been really good. Since I've long been a sufferer of depression, I'm pleased that depression hasn't already overcome me. 

Physically I am feeling pretty well overall, too. I've had some pain in my hips and some minor lower back pain. I anticipated this might well happen as I've been weening off the Cell-Cept and the last of the steroids. However, I'm overwhelming surprised that I'm feeling as little pain as I am and it makes me hopeful. I'm very hopeful that through the course of this, I will feel the little bit of pain that I currently have continue to diminish. That is an unbelievably exciting prospect. The idea that I could potentially wake up pain free AND do so without being on any meds... Well, that's the bulk of the reason I am here. No pain means little/no progression of disease. No progression of disease means a much brighter future for me and my family. If it were just the pain, if that were the only problem with these diseases, I could continue to suck it up as I have for years. It's all of the other things this disease contributes to in my body that I just can't suck up and pretend aren't there. They'll continue to take my quality of life, but ultimately, they'll steal my quantity of life as well. 

Overall, I've done pretty well on the juice. I've felt occasional hunger pangs. While doing juice, they bring you four a day. Despite the tastiness of the juices, I have struggled to consume all four juices each day. I've averaged more like three to three a half a day. I am of course also drinking water with the juice as well. Honestly, I'm looking forward to just drinking the water because I feel less stressed about my ability to consume the water I need to consume than I do about consuming the juice AND the water! Strange, I know. I've never claimed to be normal!

I've been monitored twice daily since I've been here in addition to my two personal appointments with my personally assigned physician. My initial urine showed protein and my blood labs showed high cholesterol and triglycerides although neither was extremely high. I'm very excited to see what my first results show after being on just water. There were no other abnormalities really with my blood. My meds tend to keep most of those things under control. However, it will be cool to see how "normal" everything is after being off meds for a bit. My very first blood pressure reading after arriving here was 196/102. Not exactly great. I admit that likely was elevated from the norm due to the stress of my arrival day. However, my most recent blood pressure reading was about 150/90. So, between the calm of my surroundings, better eating, etc., I'm making great strides on my blood pressure. I should probably mention that my first reading was while I was still on my blood pressure medication. The 150/90 reading is after being here almost a week and being off my BP meds for four days. So, I'm feeling pretty good about that, too. Oh, I've also lost about ten pounds. That's a nice bonus. I won't lie. 

There's a lot to do here even though it wouldn't seem like there would be. There are lectures twice daily you can attend. I went to both lectures today and really enjoyed them. I've only been to a couple of other lectures simply because I had some migraine and sinus issues when I first arrived that prevented me from getting out much the first few days. I've taken numerous walks around the area. That's been a lot of fun. I've enjoyed the exploring aspect.  I imagine as my water fast goes on, my energy will come down some and I may not attend as many lectures until re-feeding starts. Once fasting begins, you're no longer allowed to leave the property. I've been reading as well and that's nice. It's not something I have a lot of time to do at home. I'm going to have to carve out a way to make that happen once I get back. 

That's the more boring "numbers" end of things in regards to my experience thus far. I'm hoping tomorrow I will have something a little more exciting to talk about. I might even talk some about my awesome Canadian roomie! I really just love her. I confess my immaturity takes hold every time she says "ay" or "aboot" and I struggle not to giggle. She's really nice though, and I imagine she might not smack me, but I'm trying to play it cool. Haha.