After a hiatus of several days, I’m back at it hard today. I took a long weekend off and headed to Baton Rouge last Friday with my STL Connection. We had an absolute blast visiting with a mutual friend and my family. It was relaxing, fun, and we have promised we will do it again! Sometimes it’s just necessary to get away from the pace of your life for a few days, have a little fun, and recharge. Since I couldn't be in Mexico for the DDPYoga Retreat, I think I managed to drown my sorrows in the most positive of ways!
Now, on with the blog…
Ten days after the birth of my baby girl Annalee, I began experiencing what has to be the most excruciating migraine of my entire life. I’ve had a history of migraines for several years, but this one outdid them all. After about 12 hours with the migraine, I decided to check my blood pressure when absolutely nothing else I was doing was bringing me any relief. I thought perhaps my blood pressure was elevated more so than normal and was causing my head to pound. It was about two in the morning when I took my blood pressure. I was certain when I read the monitor that there must be some kind of error as I had never seen my blood pressure that high outside of a delivery room. I took my blood pressure a second time and got the same result. I woke my husband up and took his blood pressure. His came out normal. I took mine a third and it was still measuring extremely high. My theory that the monitor was malfunctioning was now out the window. I decided to call the on-call doctor for advice on what to do. Needless to say, I was advised to go to the emergency room. Immediately.
Toward the end of May 2010, the call came asking us if we could take the boys for a couple of months. We said yes and asked when they would arrive. It would only be a few days before the number of children in our home was going to double for a period of time. I knew it would be no easy task, but I had prayed on it and I knew we would be up for it! We busied ourselves getting a bedroom and ourselves ready for their arrival. We were very excited to have them with us and with Kim coming to visit soon for the summer, it was going to be quite a summer with five children about! I simply couldn’t wait to have a house full of children!
Kim arrived shortly after the boys and the summer was off and running. After Kim’s arrival and several conversations, it became evident Kim wanted to move in with us as badly as we had wanted her to move in with us for years. We began filing paperwork and doing what needed to be done legally to make it happen. Although something of a headache, the process went along more quickly and smoothly than I thought it would. Before we knew it, legal custody of Kim was ours and she was on her way to east Tennessee to pack up her things and head back home! So, as we were prepping to make Kim a permanent part of the household, we were simultaneously prepping for the boys to return back to their mother. The two months was almost up and we had been advised they would be returning home as planned.
Word came the Tuesday before the boys were to return home that their mother had been re-hospitalized. The treatment she had undergone had been brutal. Her physical health wasn’t near where it needed to be to look after two young active boys. We were asked if we could keep the boys a few more months to give her additional time to recuperate from the treatment that was almost killing her in order to save her. Without a doubt, our response was yes. We had to shift gears from readying the boys to return home to getting them enrolled in Kindergarten and pre-school, getting physicals completed, etc. It was a pretty major shift as Kim had also just moved into our home. It appeared we would have a house full for the foreseeable future. So, it was the seven of us from that July of 2010 until December 0f 2010. That’s when the boys went back home to their mother. Although I was happy the boys were going home because it meant their mother was still in remission and doing better, there was a part of me that was so sad to see them leave. Their mother and the boys spent Christmas with us, the boys would come visit on the weekends, and it was nice that we would get to remain a part of their lives.
My darkest days came when I seriously considered the point in going on. I felt absolutely useless and was in so much physical pain, I just wanted a way out. I seriously considered the worst choice to be my best option because I physically and mentally couldn’t take it anymore. I thought about overdosing. I thought about pulling my car into the garage and closing the door. I thought about it multiple times. I thought about how my husband and children could survive without me and they would be just fine. At that point, I could only see myself as a burden. All the while I still prayed for relief and answers to come. It just didn’t seem to be happening fast enough. I was just so tired of fighting with my body, feeling sick, feeling tired, and being in pain. I’m glad I made the wiser choice of hanging on.
The last two months of my harshest winter were almost over, and with the spring answers would come. Although I wasn’t going to be “fixed” overnight, I was at least happy to finally know there was an answer. It was a relief to find a “name” and an explanation for all I had been going through. I knew there was still a long road ahead of me, but at least the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel was visible to me. Hope. Hope means a lot when you thought you’d never find it again.