I'm A Quitter And That Makes Me Proud

It took a lot not to cry today when I realized it was over. The day began rough enough and as the day passed I could feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I literally got up three times to go to the bathroom and each trip progressively got slower. By the third trip, I sat back down in the recliner, closed my eyes, laid my head back and felt the world begin to spin. It was at that point I knew the fast was over. I knew if I didn't call the fast today, the doctor would call it tomorrow. I asked myself what I would be proving furthering my misery into tomorrow because I knew misery was all that would lie ahead. My body was done. It was telling me it was done. But today was only day 26 and I was going to fast for 30 days. How could I be done? I hadn't met my goal yet. Why couldn't my body just do what I wanted it to do?

As I called the doctor to relay I wanted some broth, I held back tears. I was really that upset I wouldn't be meeting my goal. Then an abrupt kick; a sudden thought came over me. Call it an epiphany, call it what you will, but it was exactly what I needed to enter my rattled brain at that precise moment. Hadn't pushing my body beyond it's limits contributed to the reasons I wound up here in the first place? Running it out until it just couldn't run anymore. Not taking care of it's needs no matter how loudly it was crying out for help. That's when I told myself no. No you will not be disappointed in yourself. No you will not look on this as a failure. No you will not see this as a goal not met.

Ending my fast today was a victory. Today I chose to listen to my body rather than my ego. Today I recognized my body was talking to me and I listened to it. Today I chose good sense over pride and pushing myself beyond healthy limits. Today I realized probably the most important thing I will need to take with after this whole experience and that is to simply be quiet and listen. Today was initially going to be a footnote of defeat for me. I felt it. I've quickly realized that's not what it is at all. I just fasted for 26 days to heal my body. Then my body said it's time for the next phase. I said okay. That's a victory.

Goals are important. Reaching goals is great. Realizing some goals may be more than your body can handle, well, that is important. Learning to recognize the difference between giving up and knowing your limits is as important as anything else you can do for your body. I didn't give up today. I listened. I'm going to work on doing that more in the future. I think that's going to work out for me.

Victories so far (recap for the last 35 days):
- I've come off 11 medications and supplements.
- My blood pressure is normal (even without medicine).
- I've quit smoking.
- I've quit drinking Diet Dr. Pepper/caffiene.
- I've lost 33 pounds.
- I've water fasted 26 days.
- I've juice fasted 3 days.
- I've eaten completely clean for five days.
- I've made the decision to listen to my body when it speaks to me.

Yeah. I'm a quitter. And I'm proud.

I'm Ya Huckleberry or Your Guinea Pig or Whatever You Need

It's not as though I'm surprised by the fact that my energy levels while fasting are low overall. I guess I just made some leaps on how much I would be able to accomplish while fasting. I presumed temporarily exchanging my hectic life of parenting my five children with my husband and working full time for a brief life of leisurely fasting might still leave me with more energy. Wrong. I think I underestimated the amount of healing that would be going on inside my body and just how much that healing would require as I slink through each day.

Still, here I am. I am drawing to the close of day 24 of my water fast. In some ways I find myself surprised. In other ways, I'm a bit like: "Dude. What did you expect? You've motored through worse. You're a beast." or some such nonsnese to keep myself pumped up. Surprised or not, I am pleased, because this little experiment of mine seems to be going well thus far. A recap/update on where I am today:

Healing in Progress Update:
Days Fasting: 24 (water) / 3 (juice)
Days at TrueNorth: 32
AM BP: 79/51
PM BP: 107/73
Current Medications: ZERO
Weight: -32.4lbs

General Wellbeing: I am doing well in all respects with the expected exception of being very tired. I am four weeks and five days post my last Remicade infusion and I am almost 100% pain free! I am still having some very minor low back and hip pain. Nothing abnormal for fasting though. Just gotta motor on through these next six days!

Today's post is brief. My basic goal today is simple: drop an update and let my wide fan base know where I'm sitting just over a month into this process. That whole wide fan base bit was a little joke. However, what isn't a joke is that I feel truly called to share in this experiment. I've felt compelled since I began this journey just over two years to share my struggles and my ups and downs in the hope that I might be able to be some source of something positive for somewhere out there. I know what I've been through. I know the hell it has been. I know the days of really, seriously thinking your family would just be better off without you. The pain of wondering if the next step would even be worth it. The feel of being a burden and nothing more.

When I began doing DDPYOGA and cleaning up my diet, my life began to change in so many positive ways. And while I simply can NOT wait to be back on my DDPYOGA, I learned through DDP's program to keep going. I learned that was the start for me. I learned that I might have to keep fighting even after making positive changes. I learned that I might have to take things a step farther and keep searching for those additions to tweak the program to work even better for me as a person with auto immune issues. I finally learned to live life at 90% just like Dallas had been saying all along. I've learned to react and I've learned to adapt.

All of this knowledge and searching brought me to where I am at the moment: into this little experiment at TrueNorth Health Center and right into a water fast. It brought me to something I never even would have considered doing six months ago. And so, I stand. I am your guinea pig. I'm here for you to learn from me. I'm here for you to see that there are alternatives, there are possibilities, there are other ideas and hopes out there. And they just might work for you as they appear to be working for me. So, don't be afraid to at least follow my story. Don't be afraid to make changes. Don't be afraid to live outside of your comfort zone. We can beat this thing together and I'm willing to take some bumps for you along the way!

"A-HA Moments" Not From 80's Pop Music

As I was scrolling through my e-mails earlier today, I saw an announcement about the DDPRadio show topic for the night. (For those of you unfamiliar, I practice DDPYOGA and the DDPYOGA program was the catalyst for the beginning of my real journey toward good health. Hence the subtitle of my blog, "A New Me Via DDP.") The topic for tonight's show was to center around your "A-HA Moments": you know those metal pans to the head moments where your next step becomes so clear and you figure out the route for the next leg of your journey. Well, my A-HA moment for me was simple in the beginning. I saw that video millions of us have seen about a Veteran named Arthur who was crippled and began following DDP's program and saw miraculous changes. That moment, those few minutes, were everything I needed in order to understand what I needed to do to own my health again. And boy howdy did I ever run with it!

I ran hard and I ran fast! I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013. I did a lot of cleaning up in my diet and I worked out like a maniac. I saw immediate results and they were good ones. And I was happy. By my fourth month in, I was down 40 pounds; off one of my blood pressure medications; and my overall PsA symptoms seemingly were improving. Just a few months later, however, the weight loss had stalled and I hit a brick wall. I was so angry, frustrated, tired and bewildered. I was working so hard to make so many positive changes and there I was. Face meet wall.

It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened. I had hit those brick walls before. There was one significant difference this time; with this particular wall. Rather than say screw it and throw in the towel, I didn't. Well, not completely. I did gain back a lot of the wait I had lost. However, I didn't gain back all forty pounds and some additional. While I began making some poor food choices, they weren't all bad and I was still making better choices than I had been making before. For the first time, I hit a brick wall, caved a bit, but ultimately kept searching for a way through it or around it or over it. Despite all of the obvious setbacks, I was still trying to inch my way forward literally one minute and one inch at a time.

It took about a year of this brick wall struggle to realize I was really going to have to figure out what the extra key was for me. I firmly felt the AI diseases were the reason I had to find that extra key. I had to have an addition to my DDP Program to get me well. DDPYoga was obviously a keeper as was the clean eating. What else was there? Hmm. Well, there were my many illnesses and the many treatments I had to receive to survive the illnesses. I was not upset I was taking medication to remain functional, but I was upset that there appeared to be no end to the medications and no being funcational without them. I began following Brenda Nair's fight against breast cancer in 2014. Brenda made the very personal decision to fight her cancer in as natural a way as possible. She amazingly and bravely decided to heal herself with as few drugs as possible and focused rather on detoxing her body and healing through food choices, etc. Why my A-HA moment didn't immediately hit me over the head with that proverbial frying pan is beyond me. Maybe because I wasn't ready to full accept that might be what I needed to do for myself. Who knows!

But I did begin researching natural options to assist in my health recovery in 2014. I wanted to find out if there were thoughts or ideas out there surrounding the healing/treating/curing Auto Immune Disease in natural ways. And so I searched. And that's how I found my way to TrueNorth. And that's why I'm at TrueNorth now. The point in all of this rambling is this: Were it not for DDPYOGA, DDP, Brenda Nair, Arthur Boorman, Stacey Morris, etc., and that FIRST A-HA moment, I'd still be back there struggling somewhere at the starting line. And while it's taken me a little over two years to crawl to this point, there's some pretty awesome things going on in my life at this point.

- I'd weigh at least 42.2 pounds more than I did when I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013.
- I'd still be taking 11 different medications.
- I'd still be addicted to nicotine and caffiene.
- I'd still have blood pressure approaching critical points even with medication.
- I'd still be lost and struggling to find a way to get my health back.

We all have choices on what we can do to get our health back. I've chosen DDPYOGA and TrueNorth Health Center. These are my two big tools to get me where I need to go. You may like one, both or neither and that's okay. I'm not here to tell you what to choose. I'm here to tell you my experinces and my journey and let you know what has helped me. If these things can help you, that's great. If it needs to be something else, that's fine, too. The point is: you need to find your A-HA moment andmake it mean something. Every day you spend in misery is a day you won't get back. It's just lost. But there's no point dwelling on what's gone. Focus on what is yet to come.

"I continue to be amazed by our bodies' ability for self repair... Our bodies want to be healthy, if we would just let them. That's what these new research articles are showing: Even after years of beating yourself up with horrible diet, your body can reverse the damage, open backup the arteries - even reverse the progression of some cancers. Amazing! So it's never too late to start exercising, never too late to stop smoking and never too late to start eating healthier." ~ Michael Greger

A-HA. See. It's not too late.

You've Lost that Guilty Feeling

While fasting can leave you pretty exhausted, I try to find energy to do as many lectures as I can while I'm here. I know there is so much I need to learn in order to be able to carry on the lifestyle I need to carry on once I return home. The numerous lectures here at TrueNorth were definitely one of the aspects that attracted me to this facility. Not only am I fasting for my physical health while I am here, but I'm given multiple opportunities to address not only physical health needs, but mental health needs and environmental barriers that can cause difficulties when trying to transition to a new healthful lifestyle.

I try to ensure attendance at Dr. Lisle's lectures on Saturdays. You never know what direction the lectures will go, what topics there will be or what information you will be able to glean and apply to your life. Today's hot topic was: guilt. We've all felt it at some point and time. Some of us more than others. Dr. Lisle shared in his lecture that all feelings are a signal. We are genetically engineered for certain responses both physically and emotionally. Emotional signals are obviously more complicated than physical symptoms. If you step on a rock and it hurts your foot: you move your foot. Pretty simple physiological repsonse to pain. If you have a negative feeling, well, determining what your response should be can sometimes be a bit tricky.

People consistently walk a fine line between doing what's best for themselves and doing what's best for the "village"/humanity. Humans have an underlying genetic sense of fairness. When that sense is disrupted and people feel they are being treated unfairly, their genetic response is anger. On the other hand, if people perceive they've been unfair to others, they'll begin to feel guilt. Interestingly enough, each of us has an "internal" audience that gives us feedback. This feedback is designed to be an estimation of how an "external" audience will perceive us. This internal audience works to prepare us for a "real" audience. Each person has an esteem meter that is sensitive to feedback from both internal and external audiences. A person's internal audience can create guilt before an external audience even has a chance to pass a judgement.

Push yourself away from the table!!!
Exercise!!!
Just eat less!!!
Quit being so lazy!!!
How hard is it to give up soda/cigarettes/bad food?!!!

The problem with a person's internal audience is that audience is no more knowledgable or smarter than the external audience that is not made up of doctors or psychologists, etc. The internal audience becomes frustrated, disgusted and angry. Then the internal audience says: Bring on the guilt! And we do. We bring it on in spades. We beat ourselves up for being bad mothers, bad wives, bad employees, bad friends, etc. And then we guilty ourselves into believing we are bad at all of those things because we just don't have the willpower to do any better. We have no concept of "The Pleasure Trap" and no understanding of the fact that our bodies were never designed to deal with it. The Pleasure Trap is unfair. We need to fire our internal audiences. We need to understand the magnitude of the challenge before us and educate our internal audiences. Only then are we going to be able to free ourselves from the guilt that has unfairly been hung our necks like a thick heavy yoke.

More on The Pleasure Trap soon.

Today's Update:
Healing in progress!
DAYS FASTING: 3 (juice)/13 (water)
CURRENT MEDS: 0
AM BP: 102/69
PM BP: 116/74
WEIGHT: - 24.3 LBS
GENERAL WELLNESS: Aside from some pesky low back pain, muscle weakness and insomnia (all of which are normal during fasting), I'm feeling pretty good. I went to lecture this morning and I'm planning on attending a special event here tonight.

A little pic from today! Letting go of some guilt!

Up all night sleep all day

This will be a brief update tonight. I'm very tired as to be expected, but I am still  hanging in there. I've been dealing with some rather grueling nausea this week and rather extreme low back pain last night that resulted in contacting the on-call doctor at five this morning. A check of my vitals, a quick physical, and a urine screen dwtermined it was not my kidney, but lower back pain likely caused by a "healing crisis." If the pain continues, they may have tontake me off water and put me on juice or broth. I am praying and willing it away As I don't want to break the fast.

Trying to ensure I keep my water intake up as high as it needs to be. That can sometimes be difficult when you're very tired and/or sleeping a lot! Trying also to get in a little bit of movement each day as well. 

SYNOPSIS THUS FAR:

I arrived at True North around 10:30pm Saturday, February 21st. I had my first weigh in and blood pressure measurement the following morning. My first BP measurement was 196/102. I ate their awesomely clean food for five days from Sunday 2/22 until Thursday 2/26. Then I went on juice from Friday 2/27 until Sunday 3/1. I began strictly water on Monday 3/2. Today was day nine  of just water. Stats as of this morning:

Days Fasting: 12 (3 juice/9 water)

Morning BP: 124/84
Afternoon BP: 100/70

Pounds lost: 21.4

That's all I got for now. Have a good evening and thanks for checking in!

Power to the Peop... to the Me!!!

One aspect I really enjoy about True North thus far are the lectures. Although I've only attended a few, the few I've been to have been quite remarkable. The lectures are led by either doctors here at True North or other health/wellness experts in varying fields. I looked forward with much anticipation hearing Dr. Goldhammer's 2:00 o'clock spot this afternoon and despite a lack of food for three and a half days, eagerly galloped to the dining hall to hear what all he had to say along with my sweet roomie Andrea. She wanted to see what his lectures were all "aboot" as well. Giggle, giggle, snort.

Some of the lectures are set up strictly as Q&A sessions and some have specific covered topics followed by Q&A. Today's lecture was the latter format. The class today began with a slide show presentation. The first slide was simple enough. It posed the question of "Why do we eat?" I knew the short answer was energy, but it breaks down into several different categories. We eat to fulfill eight particular needs: calories (preferably complex carbohydrates); water; protein (for the fulfillment of eight essential amino acids adult bodies do not produce); fat (primarily Omega 3 essential fatty acids); vitamins; minerals; and fiber and phytochemicals both of which can only be derived from plant food. 

I was very much on the fence when I arrived here about the idea of going full-on vegan. I mean dropping most meats would be pretty easy for me although I love a good chicken breast and some bacon. However, to drop ALL animal products and by-products means a life with no eggs and no dairy. I had some idea as to why dropping meat would be a good idea, but didn't have a full understanding of issues with meat at least in the respect of how we consume them here in the US. There are eight overall issues with animal food products in the US (and thereby also animal food by-products) and those are: bacterial contamination (which sometimes gets cooked out and sometimes does not); viral contamination; prions (organisms that can't be killed with cooking); heavy metal concentrations; growth stimulants/hormones; antibiotics; pesticides; and biological concentration. I've seen certain documentaries that made me not really want to think about where the meat I was eating was coming from, but they served more as a gross out factor versus legitimate/sound reasoning to not eat meat. For me, personally, meat and animal by-products are something I'm going to have to heavily considere as factors in my diet when I return home. I continue to lean toward vegan ideals for someone with my health background. I know a lot of folks are pretty attached to their meat and dairy. I'm trying to imagine a life without cheese and it seems a little sad to me. However, a life without cheese and without Remicade infusions every five weeks seems like a better life to me. So, there's that...

I wondered myself, as you might be, what the heck can I eat then because the other big no-no is: processed foods - of any kind. That would be multi-ingredient foods that contain oils; flours; added salts; refined sugars; and again, dairy (because dairy is a completely processed food for the most part). So, well, that's everything in my pantry and fridge at present knocked out. Well, almost everything anyway. Foods to include in my new diet: fresh fruits; raw and cooked vegetables; raw nuts; raw seeds; and complex carbs such as potatoes, yams, rice, quinoa, beans, lentils, peas, etc. May not seem like much, but when you consider the number of fruits, vegetables, beans and gluten free grains available, you can actually get more creative than you might initially consider. I know I plan to get creative!

After discussion about why we eat; foods to avoid; and foods to consume, Dr. Goldhammer opened up the floor to general questions. This is when the magic really happened for me. I had my question poised and ready. I was really intrigued to know what Dr. Goldhammer would have to say. My question went something like this: "I have health issues. I am specifically here because of three auto-immune disorder diagnoses. I am here to get better. I am here to get my health under control. I understand everything you're saying to me and what I need to do. Here's my concern: I have five children and a husband. My father recently began staying with us. I'm from the South where all things fried are considered divinity. I can't snap my fingers and make my family fall in line. They'll not have had the experience of fasting and retraining their pallets as I have had. I do I overcome these issues?"

I thought it was a good question and apparently the rest of the group thought it was a good question. I heard the whispered words: five kids, her father moved in, is she crazy, she must be a saint. What I heard most was, "Right!!!" The other members of the audience could get that fundamental struggle. And they wanted an answer, too. Dr. Goldhammer delivered in grand style.

Fact one: Tobacco is the only factor that beats obesity in cause of death for Americans. 

Fact two: No loved one would, with clear conscience, give a drunk a drink.

Fact three: Foods on the avoid list, for me, are as deadly as tobacco for anyone and as bad for me as a beer is for an alcoholic.

Wow. Let that sink in for a minute. Read that last paragraph again. Did you let that sink in for a moment? Because that was the quickest lesson in empowerment that I've ever been given. Dr. Goldhammer literally gave me permission to look at my family and say: That is poison to my body. If I eat it, it will kill me. You don't have to deny yourself that food if you really desire it, but I can not eat it; I will not buy it; and I will not prepare it. Wow! I can do that! I can genuinely say to my husband, my children and my father that I simply can not partake in the consumption of those foods. If they wish to do so, they can. But I can not. Because I want to live longer and healthier. 

Dr. Goldhammer recommended several different books today. The book I would most like to read and will read as soon as possible is "The Pleasure Trap" by Douglas Lisle and Alan Goldhammer. Ah, the modern day addiction to food and the havoc it has reigned down on an unsuspecting population is far greater than any other scourge on earth. I've been leaning toward that conclusion for quite some time. My time here has only solidified the thought. What could be more pleasureful in life than to have total control of your wants and desires? To not let your primal whim that screams for string cheese and cupcakes to win. To feel good. To not hurt. I think I could give up some sugary junk to feel that kind of power.

Oh, today's stats:
BP check: 142/87
Pounds Lost: 11.2
Days Fasting: 4 (juice 3/ water 1)

Taking Inventory

As the day draws to a close, I'm taking inventory of the week (plus one day) since I've been at Truth North Health Center. I would have done this yesterday, but today is the final day of my three day juice fast and the true test starts tomorrow when I begin my 30 day water fast! So, I wanted to give a general update on how I'm feeling after five days of super clean eating and three days of juice and how I'm feeling about the upcoming water fast.

Truth: I feel mostly fantastic! I have my moments where I miss my family and friends. I had a full-blown melt down last night as I said good bye to my daughter and husband and after having talked to my other three younger children as well. They'd been telling me all about their day: one had lost a tooth; one had an archery tournament; and yet another showed me an art project that had been completed. I began thinking of all that I am missing while I am not physically there with them and it became too much for a moment. My mental health otherwise, outside of the expected homesickness, has been really good. Since I've long been a sufferer of depression, I'm pleased that depression hasn't already overcome me. 

Physically I am feeling pretty well overall, too. I've had some pain in my hips and some minor lower back pain. I anticipated this might well happen as I've been weening off the Cell-Cept and the last of the steroids. However, I'm overwhelming surprised that I'm feeling as little pain as I am and it makes me hopeful. I'm very hopeful that through the course of this, I will feel the little bit of pain that I currently have continue to diminish. That is an unbelievably exciting prospect. The idea that I could potentially wake up pain free AND do so without being on any meds... Well, that's the bulk of the reason I am here. No pain means little/no progression of disease. No progression of disease means a much brighter future for me and my family. If it were just the pain, if that were the only problem with these diseases, I could continue to suck it up as I have for years. It's all of the other things this disease contributes to in my body that I just can't suck up and pretend aren't there. They'll continue to take my quality of life, but ultimately, they'll steal my quantity of life as well. 

Overall, I've done pretty well on the juice. I've felt occasional hunger pangs. While doing juice, they bring you four a day. Despite the tastiness of the juices, I have struggled to consume all four juices each day. I've averaged more like three to three a half a day. I am of course also drinking water with the juice as well. Honestly, I'm looking forward to just drinking the water because I feel less stressed about my ability to consume the water I need to consume than I do about consuming the juice AND the water! Strange, I know. I've never claimed to be normal!

I've been monitored twice daily since I've been here in addition to my two personal appointments with my personally assigned physician. My initial urine showed protein and my blood labs showed high cholesterol and triglycerides although neither was extremely high. I'm very excited to see what my first results show after being on just water. There were no other abnormalities really with my blood. My meds tend to keep most of those things under control. However, it will be cool to see how "normal" everything is after being off meds for a bit. My very first blood pressure reading after arriving here was 196/102. Not exactly great. I admit that likely was elevated from the norm due to the stress of my arrival day. However, my most recent blood pressure reading was about 150/90. So, between the calm of my surroundings, better eating, etc., I'm making great strides on my blood pressure. I should probably mention that my first reading was while I was still on my blood pressure medication. The 150/90 reading is after being here almost a week and being off my BP meds for four days. So, I'm feeling pretty good about that, too. Oh, I've also lost about ten pounds. That's a nice bonus. I won't lie. 

There's a lot to do here even though it wouldn't seem like there would be. There are lectures twice daily you can attend. I went to both lectures today and really enjoyed them. I've only been to a couple of other lectures simply because I had some migraine and sinus issues when I first arrived that prevented me from getting out much the first few days. I've taken numerous walks around the area. That's been a lot of fun. I've enjoyed the exploring aspect.  I imagine as my water fast goes on, my energy will come down some and I may not attend as many lectures until re-feeding starts. Once fasting begins, you're no longer allowed to leave the property. I've been reading as well and that's nice. It's not something I have a lot of time to do at home. I'm going to have to carve out a way to make that happen once I get back. 

That's the more boring "numbers" end of things in regards to my experience thus far. I'm hoping tomorrow I will have something a little more exciting to talk about. I might even talk some about my awesome Canadian roomie! I really just love her. I confess my immaturity takes hold every time she says "ay" or "aboot" and I struggle not to giggle. She's really nice though, and I imagine she might not smack me, but I'm trying to play it cool. Haha.

Finding my way north

I am all things southern. There is no doubt about that. Some might go so far as to call me country as a turnip green. I'm proud of being southern. I love my twang; sweet tea; my Grandmother; front porch swings; crickets chirping; church on Sundays; my silly southern sayings; and so on. For as much as I love my home state, my twang, and everything else my life encompasses in the Bible belt, turns out to get closer to my goal of true health, I had to find my way north.

True North isn't just the name of the facility where I am staying, it's a frame of mind; a state of being. My journey the last two years hasn't just been about yoga and eating right and even DDP will tell you there is more to it than that. It's also been about finding myself again amidst the struggles of my every day life: learning to react and adapt. But waking up daily in a body that has no desire to do for you what it was designed to do is a real struggle. And this journey of finding my true path to health has been an arduous one at best. Despite the every day struggles though, I have continued to crawl my way forward one millimeter at a time. Even when it appeared I was going backward, I was still moving forward because over the last two years, I have still never thrown in the towel no matter what life has thrown at me. Dallas taught me that for sure. I still haven't given up.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me I'm not known as the person with the best track record of Lady Luck being on her side. So, when middle Tennessee was hit last week with a freak ice storm, meh, that was par for the course. Why wouldn't we be hit with the first ice storm in around a decade the week I'm supposed to hop a plane and fly 2000 miles further into my journey? Why wouldn't my infusion appointment get canceled because Vanderbilt clinics were closing down for the first time in, I don't know, ever. Then my flight was canceled anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Of course there were people all over who I am sure were much more inconvenienced than I was, but in my moments of "of course the universe centers around me and my needs," it just felt like twelve more ridiculous road blocks I should not have to be dealing with. There were issues in getting flights rescheduled; issues making connecting flights when my new flight was delayed days later due to de-icing on the runway; and so on. After rising at 2:30am my time, my 22 half hour quest to make it across the country, finally came to a close last Saturday night when I arrived at 1551 Pacific Avenue Santa Rosa, CA.

My first week at True North comes to a close in just over 24 hours. It's been strange. I spent the first few days fighting off migraines and sinus congestion and jet lag. I slept a lot. I mean a lot. I've enjoyed the cleanest eating I've ever had in my life and I've enjoyed quiet. There's been a lot of quiet. Today was my first day on juice. I'll have two more days on juice and then I'll begin my fast. I'm shooting for 30 days of fasting. In my research into fasting, 30 days seems to be a fairly magical point at which the auto-immune system can potentially reset. That's what this whole leg of the journey is about: resetting that thing inside me that works so hard to keep me from moving forward.

It's a fair assessment to say I've been called crazy a time or two in my life.  A fairer assessment might be that I've been called crazy more than a few times. And I'm okay with that. There was a period in my life when I wouldn't have been okay with that; when I would have been bothered by someone's disapproval of me. I'm beyond those kinds of worries for the most part these days. I knew when I began sharing with people I was seriously considering an extended water fast the word crazy might get bandied about. And it did. And I'm okay with that, too. Now that I'm doing it, I'm sure crazy is being tossed around a bit more. What chance wouldn't you take though to get control of your body back? What place wouldn't you take yourself if you knew there was a chance you could cast out a demon that had plagued your existence for almost half of your life? What wouldn't you do? Would you take that chance or would just spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. I've made some mistakes in my day to be sure, but there's little wondering what might have been going on between my ears. I'm pretty sure every day that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life. Today's one of those days.

We've all heard the often trite message regarding walking a mile in someone's shoes before judging, blah, blah, blah. The truth of the matter is that we will never be able to walk a mile in another person's shoes. The similiarity of our struggles can be of some measure in our understanding of what others have gone through, but no two people will ever go through an identical situation and have an identical understanding  or intepretation of that situation once it's come and gone. Both of their understandings will be shaded, shaped and colored by a million factors that began occurring in each of their respective lives from the moment they were born forward. For me, this leg of my journey I'm on is about two things only: discovering my true north and bringing along anyone else that I can to do the same. Welcome aboard the crazy train!

Steph's Way To Well

After much research and discussion, my husband and I have come to a decision. In mid-February, I will be going for in-patient treatment. I am excited. I am nervous. I am terrified. I am thrilled. The range of emotions I feel can't really be articulated although I'm trying. I'll be away from my children and husband and out of work for a minimum of four to six weeks. The only feeling I don't have in regards to our decision is uncertainty.

I've spent the better part of a decade chasing my tail and trying to get well. I have made forward progress; I have given up; I have started and stopped; I've made more gains; and then I've felt loss again and again. Despite the fact I am still not where I want to be a year and a half after beginning my latest journey, I am still miles ahead of where I've ever been before! I actually feel pretty good about that!

Despite the lack of forward progress I would like to have seen to this point regarding weight loss, general health, etc. since I began this, my final journey toward good health inspired by a couple of guys named Arthur and Dallas, there is one very real thing that hasn't happened that has always happened before. I still have refused to give up. Even in every moment that I appear to be failing, I am consciously aware of every aspect of my health and how everything I am doing is affecting my health. While that sometimes leads to some guilt, it also keeps me ever cognizant of new and different choices and, most importantly, the ability to be open to new ideas that could lead to my ultimate goal of good health.

I'm going to work on getting back into the blog every now and then before I go to treatment in February. I also plan to blog the journey through my residential treatment program. 

In preparation for my trip, I have begun a t-shirt campaign through Teespring! I am hoping to help raise funds to help defray my medical expenses since insurance will not pay for a 30 day residential stay that will cost about the same or less than one of my infusions that I have to have every five weeks. For the foreseeable future. Maybe even the rest of my life. I'm unclear on how it makes sense to continue paying for infusions but not residential that could negate the future need thereof. But, I digress. So, just in case you are interested, I'll share the link. Get yourself a cool shirt. Or not. But feel free to share the link! 

http://teespring.com/stephswaytowell

Have a good night. I'll see you soon!

Body at War

2015 is going to be a really big year. I'm turning the tables. My body's been at war with me for a decade and a half. I'm soon going to be at war with my body! Details coming soon on how I plan to turn this thing around and get back to what this blog was started for: a healthy me.

Stay tuned. You don't want to miss it!

The Other Side Of Fear

One of my biggest fears in life is failing. If I begin something and fail, and I begin again and fail again, well, I guess we all are in touch with that emotion at some point in time. I fail every day. It's an arduous task starting over. I know because I do it every day. One day, soon, I will shake the fear of failure and make it to the other side. I know it.

Full Circle



It's been nine and a half months since I began a new chapter in my life.  I'd be lying if I said it's been easy and I've been able to breeze right through it.  It just ain't so.  It's been a lot of hard work and frustration in the process.  What I can so though is this: Even though I'm not where I want to be yet, it's so worth it!  I am making my way full circle on this journey and happily learning I'm not as broken as I thought I was.

 

 

Cracking 4K

It’s not some weird alternative to a Color Run or your average 5K! I cracked 4000 views on my blog night before last! The word excited immediately comes to mind, but doesn’t quite seem to capture it. I’m literally on a strange high right now. Maybe it’s all of the exercise the last few days, I don’t know, but I like it! I feel like I did back in January when I started this whole gig with DDPYOGA! In case you were wondering: It’s awesome to feel this way!

As I reflect back on the last eight and a half months, I feel truly blessed, humbled, and so lucky. I have learned a lot about myself over the course of the last several months, but I think I’m really just now starting to grasp what I’m truly capable of once I set my mind to something. I don’t think I’ve ever truly understood how strong I could be until now.

My hiatus the last couple of months was brought on not of my own devices. I wouldn’t have chosen it, but, in a way, I am glad it happened. Such happiness might seem unwarranted given my meager state the last few months. However, there is logic behind the seeming madness of being happy about what I’ve recently been tangling with. It follows if you will follow with me.

When I have had significant flares in the past with my Psoriatic Arthritis, it has sometimes taken me six months or better to recuperate. ANY effort I had put into getting healthy prior would be all but lost by the time I would come out of the “flare fog“ as I like to call it. I would give up every forward step I had taken in exchange for three giant leaps backward into the bowels of unhealthy eating and the Lazy Boy of sedentary life. And I would stagnate there until I just rolled further and further back downhill to the point I no longer reaped a single benefit from all the hard work I had put in previously. It was a ridiculously vicious cycle, almost heinous really. More than anything though, it was a little sad. Every time it would happen, I was further convinced I would always fail at getting healthier and feeling better. That, my friends, is a cold, stark place to be.

To go through the flare I went through this summer with my Psoriatic Arthritis and to still be on steroids after a year and to still be working full-time and to still be a mother to five wonderful but rambunctious children AND still be moving forward: That for me is a miracle. That for me is the place I want to be. That. That. That. Moving forward. Not giving up. Not losing all progress because of a short term set back. That didn’t use to be me.

Cracking 4,000 on my blog has been pretty awesome for another reason. Aside from the 928 views that belong to my husband (haha), there are a lot of people looking at this blog. Many of them I know. Many of them I don’t. I have had enough people comment on my Facebook, comment on teamddpyoga.com, comment directly on the blog, send me private messages, call me, etc. to know I am doing something else entirely as important as getting myself healthy. I’m helping other people get healthy. I’m no “health guru”. I’m no DDP. I’m no Stacey Morris. I’m no Arthur Boorman or Terri Lange or any number of other awesome and inspiring people. I’m just me. But I’m still helping people. And as good as getting healthier feels, helping others is one of my weaknesses in life. Some might even say I’m a sucker to a fault at times although I would never call out my husband, my mother, my mini Italian New Yorker friend or my Dicky Barrett loving STL connection like that publicly or anyone else for that matter... ;-)

I’m glad I’ve caught my second wind. I hope you are, too. It’s going to be a wild and an awesome ride!

If You Can't Say Anything Nice

Despite evidence to the contrary which may suggest otherwise, I haven’t quit. I haven’t given up. I’ve just been doing what I always do when I find myself in a negative mental state, and that’s been to withdraw. My momma always told me that if I couldn’t say anything nice, well, just don’t say anything at all. I haven’t been finding myself particularly “inspirational” here lately, so, I retreated inside myself to try and dig through my “delicate” psyche and figure out just what my problem is. So, want to know what I have learned?

It boils down to two simple words really and my epiphany isn’t exactly what I would call jaw dropping. It’s pretty basic really:  I’m human.

I know. Crazy, right? You were expecting some real wisdom weren’t you? Believe it or not, that is real wisdom. I talk all the time about the importance of understanding yourself, giving yourself a break when you fall, etc. Those things are always easier said than done though. I recognize that and I have for a while. Trying to apply such wisdom directly to myself on a consistent basis, well, not so much.

So what I have tripped and fallen a thousand times this year!!! What I need to focus on for the moment is this: Where am I today compared to one year ago today? Have I moved forward? ABSOLUTELY! Have I made positive changes? ABSOLUTELY! Am I healthier? ABSOLUTELY! So, why do I continue to beat myself up because my DDPYOGA journey hasn’t been stellar thus far? Good question!!!

I think primarily because it’s so much easier to focus on the negative about yourself. It’s hard when you set a goal and you only get half way there (in the time you anticipated) to think about the fact you may not be where you want to be, but you're at least closer than you were yesterday or the day before or a year ago. So, I’m going to take a moment and focus on some of the positives that have occurred over the last several months despite the fact I am not as far along as I had hoped I would be at this point.

The first focus is working out. Did I work out last year? Perhaps, but it was probably by accident and without design. I wish I had been keeping up since day one with how many DDPYOGA workouts I have done and other exercise this year. I know that in the first nine months of this year I have exercised at least four times as much as I did last year in it’s entirety! No, I haven’t worked out daily this year. In fact, there have been some weeks I haven’t worked out at all. BUT… I am still closer to my goal in that respect than I was a year ago. Right? Now all I have to do is work on better consistency. Boom.

The second focus is eating. Did I eat healthy last year? No, not really. Fried foods, lots of sugar, and oh dear Lord the gluten. Donuts. Cake. Whatever I wanted to eat. That’s what I ate. Have I had those things this year? Yes. However, I can guarantee you that I have had less gluten, sugar, and fried foods this entire year than I would have consumed in a month last year! I know that for a fact! So, am I eating perfectly? No. However, I have dropped the gluten. I eat VERY LITTLE dairy. I don’t eat any fried foods. The vast majority of my sugar intake is from natural sources like fruit versus junk pumped full of sucrose or high fructose corn syrup. My breakfast today was two homemade gluten free waffles with light syrup. Lunch? A smoothie with the following: 2 cups fresh spinach; 1 cup unsweetened almond milk; ½ cup chocolate almond milk; 1 cup frozen strawberries; 1 cup cucumber; 1 scoop protein powder; and 1 tablespoon flax seed. I sipped on that for about an hour. It was delicious, nutritious and filling. I never would have taken the time or even thought about making that for lunch last year.

A yummy grill cooked ribeye and a salad sans dairy (except goat cheese) and no gluten (no fun stuff like croutons) was dinner tonight. However, my salad with my feta cheese, mushrooms, cucumber, romaine, tomato, and gluten free sweet Vidalia dressing was the bomb! And snacks? I had a few of those. I had a protein bar and some carrots. That’s promising. Boom.

The third focus is weight. I have lost over 40 pounds this year. Granted, I am only down about 32 pounds because I gained back 15 pounds and then lost seven back. However, I don’t think I lost any weight last year with this possible exception: I’m pretty sure I just yo-yoed the same few pounds up and down and up and down without any real effort to lose anything. I rather stayed on a steady upward incline. I was too tired, frustrated and defeated to even bother. Despite the issues I’ve had reclaiming my mojo the last few months, I have managed, for the most part, to keep ¾ of the weight I lost the first four months of this year: OFF. I’m also finally crawling back on board. It’s been a snail’s pace, but I’m finally here. I’m going to be hitting 40 again in no time flat and adding some more to that lovely number. Boom.

The fourth focus is general mental well-being. The jury might still be out on this one. HAHAHA Despite this horrific flare I still had over the summer, there is one thing I know for certain: I have felt some frustration and defeat this year, but, and this is a really BIG but, I haven’t thrown in the towel. I haven’t quit. I haven’t given it up. Although I did gain some weight back, I was still eating gluten free and healthy overall. I have slacked on my exercising due to fatigue, but I am going to motor on through it. I have to. Last year it wasn’t even an issue of trying to overcome my fatigue or get past a block: I just didn’t even start. So, at least I have started this year. At least I haven’t given up. At least I am still learning every day. And I’m doing nothing but picking up steam for this stalled train right now. I’m getting ready to bust on down this track. Boom.

So, despite the drawbacks entrenched in my year thus far and despite my repeated falls off the wagon, I’m still headlong into my DDPYOGA journey. I’m picking myself up for the umpteenth time and brushing myself off. I’m also thinking about all of the wonderful things I’ve managed this year rather than just focusing on what I didn’t get done that I wanted to. A few things I have met goal wise this year: I DID lose 40 pounds; I was able to stop taking one of my blood pressure medications; I bought a new swim suit for the first time in over five years and was fairly pleased with how it looked on; I purchased clothes outside of the Women’s/Plus Size section that actually fit; I gave up gluten; I have successfully convinced my children that things like grapes, apples, and carrots are awesome snacks; I’ve worked out with my kids; I’ve learned how to eat healthier even on the hectic days; I have been called "skinny"; I have had a flare, but not one that has been able to completely take me out; and on and on.

To try and calculate what I have learned so far this year simply by stepping on a scale, well, that just doesn’t work. Obviously it’s the easiest of calculations and that calculation currently equals 32 pounds. There’s so much more though. I’d say for the better part of my life I’ve generally been a “pick yourself up by the boot straps” kind of gal, and I’ve always managed to do it throughout my life as needed and when necessary. What I haven’t been able to do a lot though is get on with letting myself off the hook and moving on when the picking up that needed to be done was a result of my own stupid mistakes or slacking or just plain giving up.  The knowledge I have gleaned from the DDPYOGA program and my new all time favorite book, Wheat Belly, well, that's really immeasurable in terms of what it's doing for my life and health.

From here on out, I’m going to work a little harder on more walking the walk than just talking the talk when it comes to giving myself a hard time about everything I haven’t done. I’m also going to try and focus more on thinking about all of the goals I have managed to reach rather than just the ones that I didn’t. I’m going to try and look at the whole picture rather than just beating myself up about that one part of it that doesn’t look so hot. I’m also going to work my tail end off though to meet my goals.

Goal number right now: Be down a minimum of 50 pounds by January 4, 2014. That will be my one year mark, and that gives me three and a half months to lose 18 pounds. I lost 37 pounds earlier this year in four months. The holidays might not be as tasty, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be filled with less regret come the New Year! It also doesn’t hurt I have been so challenged by someone who has been an integral part of this journey. I’m not going to fail at this; I’m not going to fail him either.

Ready to Live Life at 90

Well, I lied. The old Dell was revived! I assumed the worst and figured she was just gone, but turns out it was just a bad power cord. So, for the low price of $34, my computer is back up and running! Yippee! You know what that means? That’s right! Fresh installments on the blog served up just for you! I get it. It’s what you’ve been dreaming of the last several days. Well, here you go…

I love listening to DDPRadio on Wednesday nights. It’s always informative, refreshing, and motivational. As I listened last week and again tonight, I think it really began to hit me why this whole thing has made such an impact on me. By this whole thing, I mean the “DDPYOGA Lifestyle Change”! I’ve been a social worker for over a decade. I’ve been a birth mother, stepmother, “foster mother”, and now an adoptive mother. The roles of social worker and mother are wholly about giving to others; helping them grow; instilling the desire to improve one’s life; and teaching others that anything they can dream is possible with the right amount of inspiration and perspiration. More importantly probably than any of that though, and I really pull this from my years as a juvenile probation officer and motherhood: reminding people they are human and that we are all fallible. We will fall and we will make mistakes. That’s a given in life. The trick is teaching yourself how to not hold it against yourself, but rather to just learn from it and pick up and go on. That’s always been the tricky part for me. When I screw up, I have a tendency to really let that screw up linger in my mind, and drag me down. I’ve been trying more and more since I began this in January to do that less and less.

I work a full-time job. I am a wife and a mother to five children. I am also a patient diagnosed with a very active autoimmune disorder. While I chose three of those four roles in my life, I certainly didn’t choose the last. The first three roles: social worker, wife and mother can be stressful. However, those roles bring me so much joy on so many levels, it all has a tendency to work itself out. However, I didn’t choose to have an auto-immune disorder. I didn’t decide one day that being really sick, in pain and tired all of the time would be an awesome way to live life. It’s not as though I chose to do drugs or become an alcoholic. I was just unfortunate enough to be born with a genetic pre-disposition to this disorder and a little over a decade ago, it decided to rear it’s ugly head. So, there it is.

The way I see it is that I have two choices. The first is to wallow in self-pity, be a Debbie Downer, and stay generally miserable. The second choice is to take the bull by the horns and lead my life where I want it to go instead. I think I’m choosing the latter and I feel there’s something important along the way stemming from all of this. When I think about living my life at 90% as Dallas would say, I realize it’s definitely my choice to react in a positive way to the things that have happened to me. I realize I can let one of the four roles in my life define my every moment or I can choose to have the other three roles I love define my life. It’s all about life being 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. So, I choose the latter, and I’m going to take as many people with me as I can while I’m on the way!

Falling Forward

Well, the ole Dell has gone on to be with Computer Jesus.  I'm unsure if we are going to ever be able to revive her.  So, as it stands now, I'm updating my blog from my iPhone.  If you have never tried working on a blog from your iPhone, I don't recommend it.  As awesome as my iPhone is, it's pretty limited in its blogging capabilities.  I may just be less technically advanced than the average Joe, but I can't even figure out how to edit any of my current pages outside of editing just the blogs themselves.  I've also yet to figure out how to add a pre-recorded video.  Should have reconsidered that Criminal Justice degree.  What can you do?

So, my now poor computer is broken down and it matches my broken down body!  Ha!  Not going to let that get me down though!  I'll do what I can to keep the blog up from my beloved iPhone until I figure something else out!

In the meantime, I'm pressing onward.  I think I have officially reclassified my recent failures from the category of failures to simply falling forward!  DDP said that while we were talking on DDPRadio last night and he couldn't be more right.  Although I have had an extremely challenging few months, I still haven't given up, and I won't!  No matter how many road blocks are set in my path, I'm not throwing in the towel!  Although I'm only down 30 pounds right now, I had gained back 15 of the 40 I lost.  That's been primarily due to a lack of working out because of my current arthritic flare and fatigue issues.  Unlike before when I would have such issues and just say screw all of it, I haven't done that this time.  Although I'm not eating perfectly, I'm still eating gluten-free save a piece of cake at my cousin's wedding last weekend...

My dog can die, my computer can fizzle, my body can revolt, whatever else can happen: it  doesn't matter.  Life's been throwing all it's got at me for a hot minute.  I'm gonna keep on trucking and when I fall, I'm gonna fall forward.  Then I'm going to get up, dust myself off, and do it again.

Suicidal Tendencies and the Auto-Immune Disorder

Years ago, I worked with a lady who has Lupus.  Although she lived with chronic pain, she didn’t miss a lot of work which really impressed me.  I remember having a discussion with another co-worker one day about how awful it must be to live with chronic pain.  While I often had issues with my back at the time, it was transient at that point.  I would have “spells” where it was just horrific, but they would only last a few days.  Then it would slowly get better over time, and then eventually it would almost completely go away.  Despite the fact I was in chronic pain, I was at least appreciative of the fact that it was “livable” pain.  It wasn’t until January of 2011 that I got my first mega-dose of chronic pain when I had the worst “spell” I’d ever had.  That one lasted over a month.  It was horrific.  It was grueling.  It brought me to the lowest point I’d ever had in my life - mentally and physically.

As my co-worker and I talked back then, I lamented the mental state of folks with chronic pain.  Because I had a reference of understanding, I could understand fully why someone with chronic pain would contemplate suicide.  It’s a bitch living day-in and day-out constantly hurting.  You get to a point where you can’t even fake it anymore when someone says, “How are you?”  You either just come right out and say, “Man, it really sucks to be me today.”  Or you might tell the truth and try to liven it up a little  with a smile on your face and say something like, “Well, totally awful but what’s the point in talking about that!  How are you?”  Although fairly rare, I’ve done both I’ll admit.  Although lately, the former rather than the latter is what tries to escape my lips more often. 

As my disease has progressed, I have had to learn to live with chronic pain.  The first of this year for about three or four months, I was waking up practically every day almost completely pain free.  It was enough that I could get by without having to take ibuprofen, but this, this was wonderful.  Slowly though, the brick wall has thrown itself back up, and I’ve found myself sliding rapidly back into the pit of chronic pain despair.  Believe me, it’s not been for lack of trying to stay out.  Although my work out record lately has been less than stellar, I’ve been sticking almost 100% to eating gluten free.  My intake of dairy is extremely low to generally none.  My intake of carbs comes entirely from non-bread, non-pasta, non-wheat sources.  I confess my sugar intake could use some work.  I’ve had a bit more lately than I should.  I’m working on it.

Despite the fact I had been doing EVERYTHING right for several months, and a lot still right for the last few months, my disease has taken back complete control of my body.  I’m not sure why.  I haven’t thrown in the towel.  I’m not giving up on at least minimally eating right, and I’m hoping and praying that soon enough, I’ll be back to working out again daily.  For now, the pain is keeping me at bay.  Between the low back pain, the pain in my upper back, hips, and the return of my beloved Costchondritis (painful inflammation of the chest wall), working out is just not even an option.  Additionally, my feet continue to break out, and now my hands are breaking out again.  My  hands generally only break out when I’m in a pretty significant flare.  This one fits that bill.

I confess I contemplated suicide in January of 2011.  There were moments when I considered the pain to be more than I could bear.  There were moments when I really, genuinely thought my family would be better off without me.  There were moments when the life insurance money seemed to me to be a better deal for my family than keeping my broken down self around.  Then I would think about things like my husband trying to get my four year old dressed in the mornings and it just didn’t seem to be as viable an option as I had thought.  In all seriousness though, I really did feel that low.  And it was hard.  It was hard to dig my way out of that.  But I did.  It left me with the realization that if I didn’t have faith, a wonderful husband who is supportive, and five beautiful children, what would have stopped me?  The answer is simple: I don’t know.  I don’t know what would have stopped me then if I didn’t have them, and friends I love, and extended family who mean a lot to me.  I realized the selfish choice of that momentary desire even if I thought I would be doing them a favor.  I realized the truth of words I recently heard my teen quote, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

Am I contemplating suicide now?  No.  Is this blog some veiled threat or foreshadowing to what I am thinking about doing?  No.  Understand what this blog is.  This blog is a reminder that even when you look at someone who looks like they need to drop a few pounds but looks perfectly healthy otherwise, you don’t know what battles they are struggling with internally.  You don’t know how they are feeling at the moment.  I can easily hide or distract from the couple of “visible” symptoms of my disorder, but I’ve really mastered hiding the ones you can’t see particularly if you don‘t know me very well.  Most people would never know on the day to day over the past decade that I’ve battled physical pain and fatigue almost daily.  But I have.  And it’s been hard.  I’ve overcome it this far though, and I intend to keep going.  If nothing else, I’m going to be the poster girl for working women and mothers with auto-immune disorders.

Despite the despair I am feeling today, I am still hopeful.  I go for my next infusion on Wednesday, earlier if there’s a cancellation.  I’ve contacted my Rheumatologist to let him know about the elevated symptoms so that my infusion can be adjusted accordingly.  I’m feeling low.  I’m feeling down and out.  I know this is just yet another storm I have to weather.  I will overcome it.  At the same time, I am cognizant of the fact there are people out there who lack faith, the support I have from family and friends, or who just haven’t yet mastered the skills I’ve been lucky enough to master to deal with my disorder and everything else that comes with being me.  I still get depressed; I still get down.  I always come up swinging though.  I’m saddened for my brothers and sisters out there who eventually go down and can’t make it back up.  I’ll never judge.  I’ve never been in their shoes regardless of what I think my experience has taught me.

If you are reading this and you are struggling with any of the following:

• Chronic Fatigue
• Chronic Pain
• Depression
• Any auto-immune disorder
• Obesity
• Whatever other sorry demon you’ve got in your life

… Remember these problems and/or flares are only temporary.  I have found my golden ticket between DDPYoga and eating gluten-free.  I know this is the combination that will get me where I need to go.  I’ve just got to remember to hang on just a little longer.  I may not ever be “100%” in the world of physical health, but I can give life 100% of what I’ve got.  Faith, patience, and a whole lotta hard work will pay off for me in the end.  As my old pal DDP says, “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react.” Add those two numbers together and you get 100%.  So, I’m gonna heed DDP’s advice even on my lowest days.  I’m no math whiz, but I’m thinking 90 is a much larger number than 10.  In other words, maybe not today or even tomorrow, but I’m thinking my 90 is going to kick life’s ten in the ass.  

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder... Unless You're Me Looking At Me

 The picture on the far left is the picture I took of Libby that Saturday. Do you see what I see? She will always be beautiful - no matter what.

 

 

On the afternoon of Saturday October 13th, 2012 me and my gal Libby had a rare couple of hours of just the two of us in the house. She was all kinds of giggly and excited as she prepared to go to a slumber party and cookout at one of her friend’s houses. She was flitting about all morning on cloud nine. Then I suddenly noticed her gleeful smile was replaced with a sullen face. I looked at her with the question on my face, and... she said to me, “Mama, do you remember last year when someone at school called me fat?”

I did remember. I remembered it quite clearly because she was devastated and it broke my heart for her that someone could say such a thing to her. Her sensitive soul can barely take constructive criticism much less an outright hateful thing. I remember the sting of the same words being said to me when I was not much older than she. I can, to this day, remember the little boy who said it to me. I remember wanting the ground to open up and swallow me. I remember feeling so worthless. And, as quickly as I was taken back to that moment, I had to take Libby out of hers.

I grabbed my phone. I told her to smile for me and I took a picture of her. I flipped my phone around and asked her if she saw what I saw. She shrugged. I told her that what I saw was a girl who was beautiful – not because she wasn’t fat, not because of her gorgeous brown eyes, not because of her chestnut hair, not because of the adorable spray of freckles across the bridge of her nose and dusting her cute little cheeks – not for just those reasons, but because she’s kind. Because she rarely says anything out of anger. Because she wouldn’t just come out and say anything just to be mean to someone (well, except maybe the occasional dig at a little brother…). She didn’t seem totally convinced, so I had no choice but to grab her and commence to counting ribs. That brought on the raucous laughter and, for a moment at least, those stinging words were forgotten.

I know she’ll remember them again. She will have a lull. Her mind will wander. She’ll go back to that place. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it never happen again. I can’t. Almost 30 years later, I still go back to that same place. I hate it. I wish I could erase it. I wish I could never think of it again. The power of words is sometimes too great. Sometimes no amount of time or space can erase their bite. I have struggled with self-image issues for most of my life although my weight has only been a problem for the last decade or so. I know I am what my daughter was called. But, she is not. She is beautiful inside and out. She is kind. She is loving. She is warm. She is sensitive. She is smart. She is funny. She is silly. She is my baby.

When I think about everything that goes on in this world, and how hurt people are by the words of others, I wish there was any way I could make young people, in particular, understand the power of their words. As I reflect on the recent news of another teen suicide spurred in large part by the cruel taunts of others, I am saddened to know there will be more tears from my sensitive daughter. There will be more hurtful words in the future. I can only hope as a parent that the words I choose for her will be powerful enough to overshadow the misguided and misdirected thoughtless and angry words of others.  Think before you speak. Words really do hurt. Sometimes the wounds run so deep they never heal. Sometimes they overtake people before they find the strength to get past them. That’s the greatest tragedy of all.

I won't lie and pretend wearing smaller size clothes and "looking better" aren't awesome motivations for me when it comes to doing my DDPYOGA and eating clean.  I do want to look better and wear smaller clothes.  What I want more than that now though is to FEEL better and to BE healthy; to feel good about myself not because I'm runway ready but because I could run up a flight of stairs without being winded; to have the energy to ALWAYS keep up with my kids; etc.  I want to be able to feel better not because of what others think about me but because I am learning just how strong an impact my own personal thoughts of myself affect my physical health.  The mind is a terrible thing to waste.  Don't waste it on self-loathing and tearing yourself down.  Use to bring yourself up and others with you!

 

What My Dog Taught Me About Life

My last Christmas with my sweet baby girl, Justice.

December 2012

She was meant to be a champion. I think that’s why she was born on Super Bowl Sunday. And she really was. Not a show champion, but a champion in spirit. It was Easter Sunday, April 23, 2000 when I brought her home with me. I had no idea how much she would change my life or how much she would come to mean to me. She was 12 weeks old the day I brought her home. To that point, she was the most adorable thing I had ever seen in my life. For the moment, it was just me and her against the world. I was going through the worst time of my life at that point. I was only a couple of months out from kicking Mr. Wrong to the curb, and our divorce wasn’t even final yet. I was lost and lonely and had no idea how much she would fill the void.

As a newly living single woman, I thought long and hard about a good name for her. It seems to me there was only one name that ever seemed right and it was the name I gave her. I joked about how I needed to give her the name I chose, because who in their right mind upon trying to enter my home uninvited would continue in after hearing her frenzied barking and me calling “Justice” down? Those were my thoughts anyway. So, it was me and Justice.

As a pup, she would curl up on the pillow right next to me and sleep. She was always by my side. I learned early on she was terrified of thunderstorms. No matter how big she got though, she never realized she was too big to sit in my lap when the thunder started rolling (or any other time for that matter). That was easier when she weighed 20 pounds than it was once she hit 90! She was with me always and for as much as I comforted her through the storms in life, she comforted me far more than I ever did her.

When the time came that our little family of two would expand, Justice welcomed every new member heartily. She became our protector. She looked after and loved my husband and children more than I thought was possible for an animal. The more they loved her; the more it seemed she loved them back. My children delighted in using her as a pillow, an object to pull up to standing, a trash compactor, a friend, a comforter and so much more. Each new role she was presented with was met with patience and grace. Those were her babies, too.

I never imagined when I brought her home over 13 years ago that our relationship would develop into such a strong bond. I had no idea how just her mere presence would comfort and calm me through my own storms in life. The most poignant for me being the days following my miscarriage. She instinctively knew something was very wrong. As faithful as ever, she stayed with me every moment. She was there for me and comforted me right down to licking my tears. Losing her two days ago, well, it’s left a hole in my heart I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to fill.

I have long heard the adage, “I want to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.” There’s so much truth to that. Honestly though, I think it’s almost a little backward. I wonder sometimes if it shouldn’t read, “I want to be as good a person as my dog is.” I know this may sound trite to a person who isn’t a big animal lover, and I recognize we can’t all be. I also know some people don’t understand the love a human can have for a dog or vice versa. That’s cool, too. Some people are animal people and some are not. Regardless of what your personal feelings are in regards to animals, it doesn’t change the fact that my dog taught many things.

Here are a few of those things:

- There’s no such thing as giving too much love.
- You should let people know you will miss them even if you know you’ll see them tonight.
- Forgiveness is divine.
- Thunderstorms are really scary, but less scary with someone you love.
- Exercise can be a lot of fun especially when it’s a thrown tennis ball.
- Comforting someone you love doesn’t require knowing the “right” words to say. Sometimes it requires no words at all.
- It’s as important to accept praise as it is to give it.
- Patience is a virtue.
- You should let people know you are happy to see them even if you just saw them this morning.
- The desire to help and love can transcend almost any barrier.

I could probably create an endless list if I really tried. These are a few of the bigger points. I guess what all of this boils down to is simply this: It’s easy in life to get caught up in the negative. It’s easy to get stressed out. It’s easy to feel sad. It’s easy to feel lonely. It’s easy to wonder, “Why me?” If you really want it to be though, it could be just as easy to find the positive. It could be easy to let go of worry. It could be easy to be happy. It could be easy to not feel alone. It could be easy to think, “I am blessed.”

I always knew my dog was great, but I never really knew just how much my dog had taught me about “living life at 90%”. I’m really hoping as I continue through this process of self-discovery and self-improvement that I can teach others and help and inspire people. I also hope some day I’ll be as wonderful as my dog.

 

A Little Coat of Paint

This abandoned farm house looks better than one I saw!

Yeah, this one is in much better shape.  LOL.

One of my mother's favorite stories to tell about me is one that occurred when I was around four years of age. At the time, she was a single mother and there wasn't a whole lot of extra money to go around. We use to sometimes take weekend drives out in the country for entertainment. Sometimes we would take a picnic. Sometimes we'd take old bread and go feed the fish at Ledford Mill. On one such sunny Saturday afternoon, we took the fairly usual tour.

There was only one difference in this trip. There was an old abandoned farm house not too far from the mill. On this particular day, there was a for sale sign nailed into a tree in the front "yard". I hesitate to use the term yard without quotes because it was less like a yard and more like an overgrown field in front of a house. For whatever reason, my mother decided playing a prank on the sweet, young, innocent four year old gazing contently out the window was in order for the day. She slowed the car to a stop in front of the old abandoned house. Excitedly she exclaimed, "Look, Stephanie, it's for sale! Let's go look at it." I'm not even sure it initially registered with me what she was up to, so I dutifully followed unaware of the impending hijinks.

To say the house was rundown would be a pretty kind understatement of it's condition. It had likely been sitting there abandoned for at least a decade or two and was likely to have been in that spot since the very early 1900's. Walking up to that house seemed a bit daunting. It had all the classic symptoms of a structure in decay: peeling paint, broken windows, floorboards missing on the porch, steps up to the porch crumbling, etc. In my four year old little mind, this house would be the perfect home for some decrepit old witch. Looking back, squatters should have been my biggest concern!

I was a bit hesitant about approaching that house. However, my mother seemed so excited. She went up the steps of the porch and pushed open the front door. The door opened to one large room. The entire downstairs was a living area, dining area, and kitchen. I’m fairly certain there was no bathroom. I think there may have been a loft area upstairs but certainly not a full second floor. It was tiny. And the inside, well, it looked just as bad as the outside! There were cobwebs everywhere and decades of dust. It was truly a sad state of affairs for the little house.

My mother suddenly spins around and looks at me and says, “What do you think? Do you like it?” I didn’t know what to say. My four year old mind couldn’t process a single nice thing to say about that dump. I just stared at her, utterly confused. She smiled broadly, “It’s for sale. I think we should buy it.” Well, that was it, I knew she was crazy. How on earth could we possibly live here!? So, I tried to point out the obvious. “But, mom, there’s a big hole in the floor.” I pointed to the hole as if she might somehow not see it right there in the middle of the living room area. She just looked at me and said, “Oh, don’t worry about it! We can put a rug over that.” She was so confident this place was great and I just didn’t know what to make of it.

She could see the disapproving look still residing on my face. She was going to have to kick up the stakes a notch to get me to buy into this whole thing. That’s when the real trickery entered the game.

“Stephanie, if we lived here in the country, you could have a horse!” Well, that did it. Cruel as such an untrue promise is, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. A horse? Dang, are you kidding me? I guess I’d live most anywhere if it meant I could have a horse!!! So, I began to look around that old house with different eyes. I was trying to figure out a way we could make this work. With my finger stroking my chin and wild-eyed wonder in my eyes I said, “Well, with a little paint…”

So, why do I tell such a silly story tonight? What’s the point in all of this? What’s this got to do with DDPYOGA, getting healthy, etc.? Not a whole lot really except to say this: A lot of times we tend to think we can just put a little band aid on something and everything will be alright. We think we should go on a diet, get serious for a minute, eat some Lean Cuisines, exercise for a few days, and that will make up for years and years of abuse our weather worn bodies have taken. We’ll join the gym, we’ll hang out with Jenny, or weigh in with Weight Watchers. What we don’t do is take time for a full over-haul.

That house wasn’t going to make it with a simple coat of paint. My less than world wise naïve four year old mind might have been suckered for the promise of a pony, but that was then and this is now. If we truly want to change our lives, we’ve got to be willing to do a complete re-model. We’ve got to tear ourselves down, and rebuild from the foundation up. We have to retrain our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. You can’t truly achieve a fulfilling and healthy life with only one or even two of these for any great length of time.

I think that’s the reason the whole DDPYOGA program/lifestyle has had such an impact with me thus far while so many other things have failed. Although I have fallen this year, don’t get me wrong, I feel more confident and faithful than ever I am making real, life-long and powerful changes. I’m learning to eat right - I mean REALLY right; I’m learning more than ever how much my attitude/mental/spiritual health can affect my physical health; and I’m learning good exercise can be self-directed, at home, no matter “where” you are physically.

If I’m being totally honest, I guess I like the no BS approach of DDP, too. I believe him to be a compassionate man to a degree that probably no one in the general public could even know, but he’s also not about to just let you off the hook either. He’s gonna play it straight, and tell ya to quit making excuses. And, you know what? He’s right. It’s way past the time for many of us, myself included, to quit making excuses. No more I don’t have time, I don’t feel good, I’m too tired, and on and on ad nauseum. My life needs more than a simple coat of paint. I’m rebuilding my God given temple from the foundation up. Wanna come with me?

Oh, and mom, where's my pony?