It took a lot not to cry today when I realized it was over. The day began rough enough and as the day passed I could feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I literally got up three times to go to the bathroom and each trip progressively got slower. By the third trip, I sat back down in the recliner, closed my eyes, laid my head back and felt the world begin to spin. It was at that point I knew the fast was over. I knew if I didn't call the fast today, the doctor would call it tomorrow. I asked myself what I would be proving furthering my misery into tomorrow because I knew misery was all that would lie ahead. My body was done. It was telling me it was done. But today was only day 26 and I was going to fast for 30 days. How could I be done? I hadn't met my goal yet. Why couldn't my body just do what I wanted it to do?
As I called the doctor to relay I wanted some broth, I held back tears. I was really that upset I wouldn't be meeting my goal. Then an abrupt kick; a sudden thought came over me. Call it an epiphany, call it what you will, but it was exactly what I needed to enter my rattled brain at that precise moment. Hadn't pushing my body beyond it's limits contributed to the reasons I wound up here in the first place? Running it out until it just couldn't run anymore. Not taking care of it's needs no matter how loudly it was crying out for help. That's when I told myself no. No you will not be disappointed in yourself. No you will not look on this as a failure. No you will not see this as a goal not met.
Ending my fast today was a victory. Today I chose to listen to my body rather than my ego. Today I recognized my body was talking to me and I listened to it. Today I chose good sense over pride and pushing myself beyond healthy limits. Today I realized probably the most important thing I will need to take with after this whole experience and that is to simply be quiet and listen. Today was initially going to be a footnote of defeat for me. I felt it. I've quickly realized that's not what it is at all. I just fasted for 26 days to heal my body. Then my body said it's time for the next phase. I said okay. That's a victory.
Goals are important. Reaching goals is great. Realizing some goals may be more than your body can handle, well, that is important. Learning to recognize the difference between giving up and knowing your limits is as important as anything else you can do for your body. I didn't give up today. I listened. I'm going to work on doing that more in the future. I think that's going to work out for me.
Victories so far (recap for the last 35 days):
- I've come off 11 medications and supplements.
- My blood pressure is normal (even without medicine).
- I've quit smoking.
- I've quit drinking Diet Dr. Pepper/caffiene.
- I've lost 33 pounds.
- I've water fasted 26 days.
- I've juice fasted 3 days.
- I've eaten completely clean for five days.
- I've made the decision to listen to my body when it speaks to me.
Yeah. I'm a quitter. And I'm proud.
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
"A-HA Moments" Not From 80's Pop Music
As I was scrolling through my e-mails earlier today, I saw an announcement about the DDPRadio show topic for the night. (For those of you unfamiliar, I practice DDPYOGA and the DDPYOGA program was the catalyst for the beginning of my real journey toward good health. Hence the subtitle of my blog, "A New Me Via DDP.") The topic for tonight's show was to center around your "A-HA Moments": you know those metal pans to the head moments where your next step becomes so clear and you figure out the route for the next leg of your journey. Well, my A-HA moment for me was simple in the beginning. I saw that video millions of us have seen about a Veteran named Arthur who was crippled and began following DDP's program and saw miraculous changes. That moment, those few minutes, were everything I needed in order to understand what I needed to do to own my health again. And boy howdy did I ever run with it!
I ran hard and I ran fast! I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013. I did a lot of cleaning up in my diet and I worked out like a maniac. I saw immediate results and they were good ones. And I was happy. By my fourth month in, I was down 40 pounds; off one of my blood pressure medications; and my overall PsA symptoms seemingly were improving. Just a few months later, however, the weight loss had stalled and I hit a brick wall. I was so angry, frustrated, tired and bewildered. I was working so hard to make so many positive changes and there I was. Face meet wall.
It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened. I had hit those brick walls before. There was one significant difference this time; with this particular wall. Rather than say screw it and throw in the towel, I didn't. Well, not completely. I did gain back a lot of the wait I had lost. However, I didn't gain back all forty pounds and some additional. While I began making some poor food choices, they weren't all bad and I was still making better choices than I had been making before. For the first time, I hit a brick wall, caved a bit, but ultimately kept searching for a way through it or around it or over it. Despite all of the obvious setbacks, I was still trying to inch my way forward literally one minute and one inch at a time.
It took about a year of this brick wall struggle to realize I was really going to have to figure out what the extra key was for me. I firmly felt the AI diseases were the reason I had to find that extra key. I had to have an addition to my DDP Program to get me well. DDPYoga was obviously a keeper as was the clean eating. What else was there? Hmm. Well, there were my many illnesses and the many treatments I had to receive to survive the illnesses. I was not upset I was taking medication to remain functional, but I was upset that there appeared to be no end to the medications and no being funcational without them. I began following Brenda Nair's fight against breast cancer in 2014. Brenda made the very personal decision to fight her cancer in as natural a way as possible. She amazingly and bravely decided to heal herself with as few drugs as possible and focused rather on detoxing her body and healing through food choices, etc. Why my A-HA moment didn't immediately hit me over the head with that proverbial frying pan is beyond me. Maybe because I wasn't ready to full accept that might be what I needed to do for myself. Who knows!
But I did begin researching natural options to assist in my health recovery in 2014. I wanted to find out if there were thoughts or ideas out there surrounding the healing/treating/curing Auto Immune Disease in natural ways. And so I searched. And that's how I found my way to TrueNorth. And that's why I'm at TrueNorth now. The point in all of this rambling is this: Were it not for DDPYOGA, DDP, Brenda Nair, Arthur Boorman, Stacey Morris, etc., and that FIRST A-HA moment, I'd still be back there struggling somewhere at the starting line. And while it's taken me a little over two years to crawl to this point, there's some pretty awesome things going on in my life at this point.
- I'd weigh at least 42.2 pounds more than I did when I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013.
- I'd still be taking 11 different medications.
- I'd still be addicted to nicotine and caffiene.
- I'd still have blood pressure approaching critical points even with medication.
- I'd still be lost and struggling to find a way to get my health back.
We all have choices on what we can do to get our health back. I've chosen DDPYOGA and TrueNorth Health Center. These are my two big tools to get me where I need to go. You may like one, both or neither and that's okay. I'm not here to tell you what to choose. I'm here to tell you my experinces and my journey and let you know what has helped me. If these things can help you, that's great. If it needs to be something else, that's fine, too. The point is: you need to find your A-HA moment andmake it mean something. Every day you spend in misery is a day you won't get back. It's just lost. But there's no point dwelling on what's gone. Focus on what is yet to come.
"I continue to be amazed by our bodies' ability for self repair... Our bodies want to be healthy, if we would just let them. That's what these new research articles are showing: Even after years of beating yourself up with horrible diet, your body can reverse the damage, open backup the arteries - even reverse the progression of some cancers. Amazing! So it's never too late to start exercising, never too late to stop smoking and never too late to start eating healthier." ~ Michael Greger
A-HA. See. It's not too late.
I ran hard and I ran fast! I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013. I did a lot of cleaning up in my diet and I worked out like a maniac. I saw immediate results and they were good ones. And I was happy. By my fourth month in, I was down 40 pounds; off one of my blood pressure medications; and my overall PsA symptoms seemingly were improving. Just a few months later, however, the weight loss had stalled and I hit a brick wall. I was so angry, frustrated, tired and bewildered. I was working so hard to make so many positive changes and there I was. Face meet wall.
It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened. I had hit those brick walls before. There was one significant difference this time; with this particular wall. Rather than say screw it and throw in the towel, I didn't. Well, not completely. I did gain back a lot of the wait I had lost. However, I didn't gain back all forty pounds and some additional. While I began making some poor food choices, they weren't all bad and I was still making better choices than I had been making before. For the first time, I hit a brick wall, caved a bit, but ultimately kept searching for a way through it or around it or over it. Despite all of the obvious setbacks, I was still trying to inch my way forward literally one minute and one inch at a time.
It took about a year of this brick wall struggle to realize I was really going to have to figure out what the extra key was for me. I firmly felt the AI diseases were the reason I had to find that extra key. I had to have an addition to my DDP Program to get me well. DDPYoga was obviously a keeper as was the clean eating. What else was there? Hmm. Well, there were my many illnesses and the many treatments I had to receive to survive the illnesses. I was not upset I was taking medication to remain functional, but I was upset that there appeared to be no end to the medications and no being funcational without them. I began following Brenda Nair's fight against breast cancer in 2014. Brenda made the very personal decision to fight her cancer in as natural a way as possible. She amazingly and bravely decided to heal herself with as few drugs as possible and focused rather on detoxing her body and healing through food choices, etc. Why my A-HA moment didn't immediately hit me over the head with that proverbial frying pan is beyond me. Maybe because I wasn't ready to full accept that might be what I needed to do for myself. Who knows!
But I did begin researching natural options to assist in my health recovery in 2014. I wanted to find out if there were thoughts or ideas out there surrounding the healing/treating/curing Auto Immune Disease in natural ways. And so I searched. And that's how I found my way to TrueNorth. And that's why I'm at TrueNorth now. The point in all of this rambling is this: Were it not for DDPYOGA, DDP, Brenda Nair, Arthur Boorman, Stacey Morris, etc., and that FIRST A-HA moment, I'd still be back there struggling somewhere at the starting line. And while it's taken me a little over two years to crawl to this point, there's some pretty awesome things going on in my life at this point.
- I'd weigh at least 42.2 pounds more than I did when I began DDPYOGA in January of 2013.
- I'd still be taking 11 different medications.
- I'd still be addicted to nicotine and caffiene.
- I'd still have blood pressure approaching critical points even with medication.
- I'd still be lost and struggling to find a way to get my health back.
We all have choices on what we can do to get our health back. I've chosen DDPYOGA and TrueNorth Health Center. These are my two big tools to get me where I need to go. You may like one, both or neither and that's okay. I'm not here to tell you what to choose. I'm here to tell you my experinces and my journey and let you know what has helped me. If these things can help you, that's great. If it needs to be something else, that's fine, too. The point is: you need to find your A-HA moment andmake it mean something. Every day you spend in misery is a day you won't get back. It's just lost. But there's no point dwelling on what's gone. Focus on what is yet to come.
"I continue to be amazed by our bodies' ability for self repair... Our bodies want to be healthy, if we would just let them. That's what these new research articles are showing: Even after years of beating yourself up with horrible diet, your body can reverse the damage, open backup the arteries - even reverse the progression of some cancers. Amazing! So it's never too late to start exercising, never too late to stop smoking and never too late to start eating healthier." ~ Michael Greger
A-HA. See. It's not too late.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
You've Lost that Guilty Feeling
While fasting can leave you pretty exhausted, I try to find energy to do as many lectures as I can while I'm here. I know there is so much I need to learn in order to be able to carry on the lifestyle I need to carry on once I return home. The numerous lectures here at TrueNorth were definitely one of the aspects that attracted me to this facility. Not only am I fasting for my physical health while I am here, but I'm given multiple opportunities to address not only physical health needs, but mental health needs and environmental barriers that can cause difficulties when trying to transition to a new healthful lifestyle.
I try to ensure attendance at Dr. Lisle's lectures on Saturdays. You never know what direction the lectures will go, what topics there will be or what information you will be able to glean and apply to your life. Today's hot topic was: guilt. We've all felt it at some point and time. Some of us more than others. Dr. Lisle shared in his lecture that all feelings are a signal. We are genetically engineered for certain responses both physically and emotionally. Emotional signals are obviously more complicated than physical symptoms. If you step on a rock and it hurts your foot: you move your foot. Pretty simple physiological repsonse to pain. If you have a negative feeling, well, determining what your response should be can sometimes be a bit tricky.
People consistently walk a fine line between doing what's best for themselves and doing what's best for the "village"/humanity. Humans have an underlying genetic sense of fairness. When that sense is disrupted and people feel they are being treated unfairly, their genetic response is anger. On the other hand, if people perceive they've been unfair to others, they'll begin to feel guilt. Interestingly enough, each of us has an "internal" audience that gives us feedback. This feedback is designed to be an estimation of how an "external" audience will perceive us. This internal audience works to prepare us for a "real" audience. Each person has an esteem meter that is sensitive to feedback from both internal and external audiences. A person's internal audience can create guilt before an external audience even has a chance to pass a judgement.
Push yourself away from the table!!!
Exercise!!!
Just eat less!!!
Quit being so lazy!!!
How hard is it to give up soda/cigarettes/bad food?!!!
The problem with a person's internal audience is that audience is no more knowledgable or smarter than the external audience that is not made up of doctors or psychologists, etc. The internal audience becomes frustrated, disgusted and angry. Then the internal audience says: Bring on the guilt! And we do. We bring it on in spades. We beat ourselves up for being bad mothers, bad wives, bad employees, bad friends, etc. And then we guilty ourselves into believing we are bad at all of those things because we just don't have the willpower to do any better. We have no concept of "The Pleasure Trap" and no understanding of the fact that our bodies were never designed to deal with it. The Pleasure Trap is unfair. We need to fire our internal audiences. We need to understand the magnitude of the challenge before us and educate our internal audiences. Only then are we going to be able to free ourselves from the guilt that has unfairly been hung our necks like a thick heavy yoke.
More on The Pleasure Trap soon.
Today's Update:
Healing in progress!
DAYS FASTING: 3 (juice)/13 (water)
CURRENT MEDS: 0
AM BP: 102/69
PM BP: 116/74
WEIGHT: - 24.3 LBS
GENERAL WELLNESS: Aside from some pesky low back pain, muscle weakness and insomnia (all of which are normal during fasting), I'm feeling pretty good. I went to lecture this morning and I'm planning on attending a special event here tonight.
A little pic from today! Letting go of some guilt!
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